The Sports Bizzo

By Jon…

I’ve decided to document the first round of the NFL Draft. A bunch of sports writer’s on ESPN do it every year, so how hard can it be. I certainly don’t have the resources they have, but I do have a computer and a dry sense of humor, so here we go:

2:00- The Minority Report beginning was a littler retarded, but whatever, get to the picks.

2:02- Jake Long officially named 1st pick. It’s a formality, we’ve known this for a week. but you’ve got to love New York fans. They’re just brutal, no matter what the situation. They could be announcing the selection of the Jets team mom, and you better believe she would hear it.

2:10- Chris Long calls his draft phone the “Bat Phone”. He’s already surpassed his father (Howie Long) in terms of personality.

2:14- It’s great they shortened the pick time to 10 minutes, but it’s still too much time for the talking heads to fill. I want to know if there has ever been a draft where the first two picks had the same last name. You can’t tell me ESPN can’t find this out.

2:19- Matt Ryan just selected as the savior of the Atlanta Falcons. Good luck, kid. I don’t know what’s going to be more difficult: Saving the Falcons or living up to Mike Vick’s legacy. Those are big, prison issued shoes to fill.

2:25- Raiders are on the clock. It’s presumed Darren McFadden will be their selection. He’s a two time Doak Walker winner, two time Heisman runner up, AND he’s fathered two illegitimate children with two different woman

2:28- Raiders select McFadden. Combine him with JaMarcus Russell and all their defense additions. The Raiders may not be that bad next year.

2:29- Mike Tirico needs to stop mentioning McFadden’s mother’s a former crackhead every time they mention him. No one mentions Tirico was suspended from ESPN for making repeated unwanted sexual advances at a co-worker every time anyone talks about him.

2:35- The Chiefs select Glenn Dorsey. I actually don’t have anything funny to say about this pick. I thought Dorsey should’ve gone first. I think he’s a total badass.

Ted has a joke: “They like his ability to penetrate the offensive line, which could mean he’ll be the first Chief to penetrate more than his wife this millenium.”

2:43- With the 6th pick, the Jets select Vernon Gholston. I don’t even think it matters who they pick, the Jets fans are ready to riot. There’s a six year old holding a sign that says, ” The Jets draft blunders end today.” They teach them early. Wait a tick, Jets fans seem legitimately happy. Meh, there’s still 6 rounds left for them to screw up.

2:51- Patriots trade the 7th pick to Matt Walsh to keep him quiet about Spygate. Not really. They trade the pick to New Orleans.

2:53- Saints pick Sedrick Ellis of USC. Good move for the Saints, they need some defense.

2:55- The Jaguars trade up to the 8th spot.

2:57- ESPN very briefly made an error, listing Dallas in the 10th, 22nd, and 28th spots. Why have they not told us about this trade? Oh wait, They corrected it. The Patriots hold the 10th pick.

3:00- An awkward exchange between Kiper, Jr. and Berman about the Ravens-Jags trade. There’s something more to this. I bet Kiper forgot to put the toilet seat down.

3:02- Jags pick DE Derrick Harvey from Florida. Mel Kiper, Jr. says the Jags are reaching with that pick. I think Mel Kiper should shut up.

3:06- Bengals on the clock. They select Keith Rivers. Seems like a good kid, it’s a shame he’s going to Cincinnati.

3:09- The Jags gave up a boatload to get Harvey. Hope he’s worth it. They traded 4 picks to get him.

3:14- Jered Mayo selected by the Patriots with the 10th pick. Remember when Bill Belichick walked off the field before the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. That was awesome.

3:18- Buffalo Bills select Leodis McKelvin of Troy. The cornerback who launched a thousand ships.

3:23- Broncos select OT Ryan Clady of Boise State….booooooorrrrriinnnnggg…at least he doesn’t have to remember a new mascot.

3:26- Chris Berman’s threatening a run on Offensive Tackles. God, I hope not. I don’t need a nap, but I will totally take one.

3:28- Berman was wrong. The Panthers take RB Jonathan Stewart from Oregon. He’s a good runner. Great first name. I think the pick surprised the ESPN guys. They should call Mel Kiper, Jr. a “draft meteorologist”. There’s some science to what he does, but when it comes down to it, he’s just taking shots in the dark.

3:37- I can feel the nap coming on….The Bears pick OT Chris Williams, Vanderbilt.

3:38- Oh man….Screw the nap. The Lions are on the clock. Here comes the inevitable Matt Millen blunder. The Pistons are down 2-1. The Tigers started off slowly. Do you think the people of Detriot riot if he takes another wide receiver? Let’s wait and see…

3:43- Wait, the Lions traded their pick to the Chiefs, presumably to drop back and get Deshaun Jackson.

3:45- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

3:46- Chiefs take OG Brandon Albert, Virginia.

3:55- Arizona takes CB Dominique Wilkins Mister Rodgers Antonio Cromartie, Tennessee State. I like this pick. Anytime you can get three big names out of one pick you’re doing alright

3:58- Here it comes the Lions select WR Gosder Cherilus. I hate this pick. He’s way too big to be a WR in the NFL. He’s tall, but way too big….oh wait….no…oh. He’s an Offensive Tackle. I guess the picks alright then…

4:00-Ravens on the clock. ESPN’s showing QB Joe Flacco of Delaware on the phone. Congratulations, Baltimore, you just drafted the next Drew Bledsoe.

4:06- They just ran a list of other Division I-AA quarterbacks chosen in the draft. He’s in some elite company with Phil Simms, Steve McNair, Tarvaris Jackson, Neil Lomax, Jonathan Quinn, and Giovanni Carmazzi. Let’s hope he can live up to these guys.

4:09 Eagles on the clock.

4:10- Eagles trade the pick to Carolina.

4:11- Carolina selects OT Jeff Otah out of Pitt. If I have to watch one more highlight of OL blocking, I’m gonna give up. The Cowboys pick couldn’t come any sooner.

4:13- Tampa Bay on the clock. Commercial break

4:14- Remember, The future is ours, We are the new prototypes.

4:15- The new Coors Light bottle turns blue when you realize how big of a moron you are for not being able to know when a beer is cold.

4:16- Actually, a beer sounds good. Not a Coors Light, but a beer.

4:17- Tampa Bay selects CB Aqib Talib from Kansas. He was badass in concert at SXSW. Wait, no, that was Talib Kweli. I have no idea who this guy is. But, apparently, he’s a dope smoker. It’s a shame the Cowboys didn’t draft him. He could have had some great discussions about the universe with Josh Howard.

4:26-Redskins on the clock. My cousin Billy is huge Redskins fan. I have no idea how. He was born and raised in Lockhart, Texas. I hope they make a crappy pick so I can call and harass him.

4:27- Nevermind, traded the pick to ATL. The Falcons take OT Sam Baker from USC. I have no idea who he is, but he has an awesome beard. Good pick for Atlanta.

4:30- FINALLY, THE COWBOYS ARE ON THE CLOCK!!!!

4:32- Rachel Nichols doesn’t have a forehead. I think you call that a twohead.

4:37-The new Coors Light vented can. So you don’t realize how fast you’re drinking that crap.

4:39- The Arkansas connection was too much for the Jerry Jones to resist. The Cowboys select RB Felix Jones. Hopefully, he can be the lightning to Marion Barber’s thunder. He’s also an accomplished kick returner. Combine him with Pacman, and the Cowboys special teams looks to be in pretty good shape for next year.

4:44- The Steelers select RB Rashard Mendenhall from Illinois. They already have Willie Parker. Either Willie’s losing his job or the Steelers are shooting for the Thunder and Lightning approach, too.

4:47- Titans are on the clock. They absolutely have to take a WR with this pick. Vince Young isn’t the most accurate QB, but it sure as hell doesn’t help to have no one to throw to. Crumpler will help, but they have to get some one young and fast. Limas Sweed might not be a bad pick. He has some experience catching Vince Young passes.

4:48- To give you all an indication of how bad the Texans are: They play more Titans games in Austin than they do Texans games.

4:51- Titans select RB Chris Johnson from East Carolina. The fans grade this pick an F. The only thing Tennessee had going for them last year was there running game, so they picked another RB. Doesn’t make sense to me, but the guy runs a 4.24 time in the forty. Surely the Titans take a receiver somewhere in the draft.

4:58- Awesome…The Cowboys just traded to the 25th pick. I was starting to lose focus.

5:00- Cowboys select CB Mike Jenkins from South Florida. I don’t know much about the guy, but the Cowboys needed another CB.

5:04- Texans on the clock.

5:07- Texans select OT Duane Brown from Va. Tech. Another OT. I’m so bored right now. Just five more picks.

5:11- Chargers take CB Antoine Cason from Arizona. The Chargers don’t have another pick till the 5th round, so they better hope this dude’s worth it.

5:18- Seattle takes DE Lawrence Jackson from USC. Apparently, he wasn’t first round talent. But he went to USC, they could’ve done worse.

5:20- The 49ers take DT Kentwan Balmer. He’s a big dude. But the Niners needed some offense. I can hear Toph crying from here. I know how much that turncoat loves his 49ers.

5:22- Packers trade their pick to the Jets. Jets fans may burn down Radio City if this pick goes poorly.

5:23- Brett Favre just hired a hitman to gun down Aaron Rodgers, so the Packers have no choice but to ask him to comeback.

5:27- The Jets pick TE Dustin Keller from Purdue. A bunch of Purdue fans used to come into Humperdink’s. Most of them were a-holes. I’m going to assume this guy’s no different.

5:31- That’s a damn shame. I was hoping Roger Goodell was going to make us sit through all 10 minutes of the Patriots forfeited pick while the Jets fans booed relentlessly.

5:34- The Giants are on the clock. Finally, the first round is over.

5:35- The Giants select S Kenny Phillips from Miami. The Giants fans seem happy. I couldn’t care less.

This was way more grueling than I anticipated. I’m starving. And we’ve gotta record a podcast.

This running diary is over…Enjoy!