The Sports Bizzo

By Toph…

I saw an interesting article on ESPN, that the MLB Players Association was opening an investigation into the free agent market. The reason is, hold on to your seat, no team as showed an interest in signing Barry Lamar Bonds. Can you friggin’ believe this? Wait my Bizzo friends, there’s more. Also, no team is interested in signing his Major League friends, either. The short list of these dazzling players are Kenny Lofton, Jose Mesa, Mike Piazza, Sammy Sosa, David Wells and Roger Clemens.

Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 1997 American League All-Star team.

Why don’t we just throw in Jose Canseco, MLBPA? Call me crazy, but why would anyone lineup to sign these guys? You’d have to have a payroll of next to nothing to be able to afford any of these washed up vets. All them demand outrageous amounts of money, or they throw hissy fits. This also explains why two of them, Kenny Lofton and Sammy Sosa were Rangers last year. Who else spends money on washed up players? These guys are all on or in the downside of their careers. So, chances of them going to a team like the Royals (who wouldn’t spend the money anyway), the Indians (who don’t need any of these guys) - why go through this? These guys won’t play for non-contenders, and contenders don’t need them.

If you do happen to have a payroll that could afford one of them and you’re a contender, then chances are they’ll be a poison in your locker room. You’d need to make sure you have enough room for these massive egos. Chances are, Bonds would ruin the youth of your team by being a complete ass. Clemens, if you’re lucky, will show up to all your home games. You know he refuses to go on the road, especially now with the Roids and the 15 year olds. Their egos will mold future stars, and turn them into media hating, autograph charging a-holes.

Speaking of which, lastly, 3/4 of these guys are MAJOR problems. Roger Clemens loves steroids, 15 year olds and Canseco. Barry Lamar not only hates the media and fans across the world, but there’s that whole steroid thing. David Wells can’t stay sober long enough to pitch 5 innings. Sammy Sosa will not only do steroids, but will cork his bat and say he didn’t know. Mike Pizza, besides being completely useless, won’t catch because he’s too old. Even though catching is the only thing he could ever do well. I can’t say anything bad about Kenny Lofton. I really like him, but he is old. Jose Mesa, who’s not only 41, but needs his own paragraph for his problems that no one knows about. Let’s do that now!

Jose Mesa hates Omar Vizquel. First of all, who hates Omar Vizquel? Jose Mesa that’s who. Why? Because of what Vizquel published in his book. (Keep in mind, Jose Mesa is a free agent looking for a team.) “The eyes of the world were focused on every move we made. Unfortunately, Jose’s own eyes were vacant. Completely empty. Nobody home. You could almost see right through him. Not long after I looked into his vacant eyes, he blew the save and the Marlins tied the game.” Now, who’s ready to drop $5mil on this guy? Not only that, but the year of that World Series, 1997, he was charged with rape for fingerbanging a chick without her permission. I’m not quite done. He also was charged with accounts of gross sexual imposition groping two women in a hotel room. Open the check book American League. It’s sad when the AL has pitching as bad as it does, and no one will sign this guy. Sad, but totally understandable.

If I’m these guys, I put up my glove and pack up my dignity. I start spending time with my family, and leave baseball alone. These guys have tarnished the game, and no one wants them back. How come we’re the only ones who can see this?