The Sports Bizzo

By Christian…

Shakespeare asks us “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Sure, Bill. But not just any name is going to look good on the front of a jersey, or plastered all over the walls of your mancave (or womancave, as the case may be). Plus, you sure as hell hope that when your team is headed into the Super Bowl or Game 7 of the World Series, they don’t smell like frickin flowers.

Fact is that a good logo or a swell mascot or a strong team name goes a long way towards defining the character of that team, and thereby the character of its fans. It’s not a selection that anyone can or should take lightly, since it also more or less determines the plausible color schemes for team uniforms, the catchy team phrases it will lend itself to, and the general awesomeness of that team moving forward.

Near as anyone can tell, selecting team names is a pretty arbitrary process. Sure, you probably want a little historical significance, or something that’s in line with the history of your locale or fan base. But, aside from that, the generally hegemonic feel and tone to team names across different sports suggests a process borne more out of throwing darts at a bunch of scrap paper than a meticulously organized process of selection and elimination.

How else would you have the Houston Dynamos and Utah Starzz (now the San Antonio Silver Stars) of the world?

Still, there are a great many teams with some serious ties behind their nomenclature. The New York Yankees, who actually began as the New York Highlanders, slowly saw their name change as a result of their fans. Due to their influence, the team officially became known as the Yankees in 1913, one would logically deduce as a reference to the northern geography and the large number of jerk-offs who constitute their rabid following (joking, kids, joking).

Or take a look at the Atlanta Braves. Though they began as the Boston Red Stockings in 1871 (likely referring to the preppy nature of their own fans), the team moved to Milwaukee in 1953 and was aptly renamed the Braves. This was probably a necessary change both to reflect the Native American presence in this part of the country, and to point the team in a tough, fearless direction (as opposed to the prissy lean wearing red stockings might command).

Whatever the case, it’s interesting to notice the variety of team names throughout sports and how they parallel a team’s own performance, style, and following.

Feel free to disagree, but I’d say a lot of team names go a long way towards subliminally determining everything about the organization. Let’s look at a few examples, based on the team-biases that exist within our Bizzo existence.

We’ve got a few rabid Mavs fans here, and rightly so. Their Maverick fandom comes from an upbringing steeped in Texas tradition. Texans (and Dallas natives, in particular, from what I understand) are Mavericks in the true sense of the word. A Maverick, as defined in the dictionary, is either A) an unbranded range animal, or B) an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party. Some might argue that the first definition is much more apropos (as those Mavs fans can be awfully wild and have a very primal, animalistic feel to them). But, I’m more inclined to use the second definition, which situates Mavs fans as pioneers, a tribute to the Western feel of their great state and their refusal to like a team that anyone else in the country might actually like as well (again, kidding, relax already).

Because of all this, Mark Cuban has been forced to field a team that reflects these same great qualities. How else could you explain trading for Jason Kidd, a tough old cowboy who will rough up anything that gets in his path (including his wife), and spreads the ball around the court like some sort of visionary cattlehand.

One might make similar arguments for the Cowboys, by the way. Man does Tony Romo look good in nothing but a pair of riding boots, or what?

We can also look to another Bizzo favorite, the Braves, who we’ve already mentioned. Fortunately, the Brave name works equally well in both Milwaukee and Atlanta, where players and fans alike display a dedication to playing their hardest and to drinking like crazy (politically incorrect as hell, I know). You need look no farther than the manager of the Braves, Bobby Cox, for a great embodiment of the Brave ideal. Just like a drunken Indian, Cox makes many completely irrational decisions including starting Mark Redman and Jorge Sosa for quite a few games last year, and also feels occasionally compelled to use a platoon with severely inferior players to get his better players “a little more rested.” If Cox managed for the Mets, let’s say, he’d probably be much more inclined to act Metropolitan, wearing lots of cologne and gelling his hair into a faux-hawk, and forcing his GM into paying many millions more than his players are actually worth. But, luckily, Cox is a Brave and he fulfills the duty this name entails, being hard-headed, gambling like a mofo, and also, like Kidd, roughing up his wife from time to time (a practice we heartily frown upon here at the Bizzo).

So if you haven’t lately, good Bizzoers, stop and think about your favorite team’s name for a minute. Are you wearing your red stockings proudly under your suitpants at the office? Are you Yankee fans playing with yourselves enough? Are you Celtics fans putting enough clovers in your hair and really accentuating your outrageously annoying Bostonian nature? Are you Pittsburgh fans smelting steel and wearing eye patches as your fandom commands you to do?

If you’re not, then maybe you should be because you have a huge hand in crafting your team’s identity. And if you hate your team’s name like I did (my college was the Purple Knights, for crying out loud)? Then follow my lead and start showing up to games dressed for what you think the team name should be. I know I like to think that I’m partially responsible for my college’s mascot now being the “Dirty-Hippy-At-Heart-Yet-Recently-Conformed-Preppy-Metrosexual.”

Or, more fondly, the DHAHYRCPM.

Much love to you all, kids.