The Sports Bizzo

By Christian…

Hold the presses. Mike Hampton is eyeing a return next week for the Atlanta Braves.

This is big news, people. It’s not like this happens just every day. It happens only once every two weeks or so, an occurrence only slightly lower on the rarity scale than, say, a blue moon, or hell freezing over, or Screech making sex tapes.

Yes, my friends, Mike Hampton is eyeing a return. Prepare yourselves for the onslaught of people warming up the feel-good story of the year molds and comeback-kid labels. Also, prepare yourselves for the inevitable moment when Hampton winds up, poised on his stumpy little right leg, and all in one motion pulls his left breast again and demolishes the Braves’ chances at a successful season.

For what it’s worth, it’s kind of the Braves’ fault at this point. They continuously say that they aren’t relying on Hampton, he’ll just be an added bonus. Bobby Cox says things like “adding Hampton at the All-Star break is like getting a high-priced free agent for free.” Sure it is, Bobby. A high-priced free agent like, say, Barry Bonds at age 65, his body riddled with the scars and after-effects of years of steroid use. Except, also add a nasty crack habit, osteoporosis, braggadocio, lyme disease, a sprinkle of degenerative muscular dystrophy, and just a dash of cerebral palsy, and you begin approaching the level of fragility and suckiness that Mike Hampton displays time and time again.

Honestly. This guy is like the goddamn Cal Ripken Jr. of the disabled list. If you look up his stats on ESPN, they do actually have his “season stats” listed. The trouble is where most players have their season-to-date stats in this section, Mike Hampton’s are not so current. In fact, they’re from 2005. And even then, they’re incomplete. But, what do I know? Maybe he’s just been resting and training for the comeback of all comebacks these past three years. After all, his enormous contract is finally due to run out after this year, so he’ll actually probably have to play to earn money. Oh, the horror.

The worst part of all of this is that this is not some iconic player. This is not Michael Jordan returning to basketball greatness. It’s not even Jordan returning to be mediocre on the team he co-owns. No. This is Mike Hampton, the 5 foot nothing, left-handed sinkerballer that hasn’t pitched since before Tommy John surgery was invented. In fact, the surgery ought to be named after him, instead, he’s had it so many goddamn times. I’m fairly certain there’s a wing of Dr. James Andrews’ office named after Hampton, since he and his $15 million a year contract for being totally worthless have enabled him to frequent Andrews’ services on a regular basis.

To Hampton’s credit, he’s apparently a pretty funny dude. David O’Brien of the Atlanta Journal Constitutional (a paper and blog I read religiously because it’s the best access to the Braves a guy can find and has some pretty good other jazz on there, too) mentioned earlier this year a little sample of Hampton’s humor.

Apparently, Hampton was taking a little good-natured ribbing from one of the reporters in the locker room about being short. The reporter, according to O’Brien, said something to the effect of “Hey, Mike, what’s the matter? Can’t reach your glove on the top shelf there?”

Hampton smarmily replies “It’s ok, bud. I’ll just stand on my wallet.”

Under normal circumstances, this would be kind of funny and would rightfully put the reporter in his place. However, doesn’t this kind of thing seem pretty outlandish for Hampton to say? He’ll stand on his wallet? I’ll stand on that guy’s preposterously small testicles and stamp all over his brittle pitching shoulder before I’ll let him stand on his wallet.

Really, Hampton? Your wallet’s so thick because you’re such a good pitcher, right? Cool. So, when was the last time you pitched again? How many years running have you said you were coming back to bolster the Braves’ rotation and then developed the most unfeasible injuries known to man? Didn’t you, just earlier this year, actually pull your tit? Isn’t that the injury that prevented you from pitching?

How fucking dare you act like a cool guy about how big your wallet is? You haven’t earned shit. If your salary and your bank account were to be judged on cojones and merit, you’d be the poorest sap in the world.

So, Mike Hampton, I’ve got to admit it. I’m just super pumped about your impending return. It’s going to be great. I can only imagine what malady you’ll drum up this time to keep from having to actually earn the living you brag about. Oh, and while you’re at it? Say what’s up to Carl Pavano for me. I’m sure you guys have been laughing it up while you’ve been on the DL Tour for the past century.

And if you do make it back to the mound? I sure as hell hope you’re standing on your wallet, then. Because you’ll need the added leverage at age 35. Hopefully, it’ll put those tiny love grapes of yours right in range for a 105 mph line-drive off the bat of Ryan Howard. At least that injury would actually merit a DL-stint. And it’d probably be divine justice for a lot of us, too. Pussy.