The Sports Bizzo

Part I - By Jon…

In an apparent attempt to prove to his Chicago Bears employers he truly is a dual-threat running back, Cedric Benson has coupled his DWB (Drunk While Boating) arrest with a DUI arrest while in Downtown Austin last night.

According to ESPN.com, Benson was pulled over for running a red light, refused to submit to a breathalyzer or give blood samples to Austin Police. He maintains that neither arrest was valid and will fight both of them in court.

It’s good to see Cedric actually fighting for something, because God knows, he’s not fighting on the football field. He’s actually been in Bears mini-camps playing with the first team offense, but right on his heels is second round draft pick Matt Forte out of Tulane.

Really, Cedric? What are you doing in Austin? There’s a chance you could lose the starting job to a guy who played football at Tulane. Did you even know they had football at Tulane before they drafted him, because I sure as hell didn’t.

Why don’t you channel all of your efforts into having a decent football season, instead of trying to be drunk and operating machinery in every way imaginable? I just hope to hell you don’t own an airplane. At least you know you can’t be pulled over in the sky. No, you pretty much just fall out of the sky and die.

I should be cautious with my words, though. I still think Cedric, what with all the adversity, could use all of the off-field distractions to his advantage, to prove everyone wrong about him being a first round bust.

Or if nothing else, to prove that he’s better than some guy from Tulane.

And that my friends is why Cedric Benson must walk the Mendoza Line.

Part II - By Ted…

I’m deeply conflicted. As an Austinite I am a firm supporter of Longhorn football and its alumni, but as a Packers fan [insert joke at my expense here] I am sworn to despise the Chicago Bears, even when they waste a 1st round draft pick on a guy like Cedric Benson.

Cedric Benson failed a sobriety test… on a boat. My guess is he was standing still. Seriously how do you give a sobriety test on a boat; isn’t there a curve? I couldn’t pass one, really I’ve tried, I’m always too drunk. You cannot be on a boat for more than five minutes without a drink. Cause if you’re not drinking, you’re not really boating. You’re just standing in the same 15 sq. ft. surrounded by funny smelling water.

Let’s examine this further: reportedly the boat was parked in a cove. Wait, parked? Yes to what extent a boat can be parked, it was; suffice it to say they were not cruising down the lake at 20 knots (or whatever qualifies as reckless speeding on water). However, it was parked in… DEVIL’S COVE, muh-ah-ah. Apparently, in addition to being drunk and disorderly, Cedric Benson is also a pirate or a prohibition style rum-runner. Or perhaps he’s just a big fan of the Hardy Boy Mysteries.

At any rate, during a routine safety inspection the lake police- okay I’m sorry I’ve got to stop again. ‘Lake Police’? Worst Police Academy sequel ever.

They further harangued the star running back for not wearing a life preserver, which is the most over-glorified name possible for a day-glow orange floatee. Come on, ‘life preserver’? it doesn’t cure cancer, it just makes your fat ass more buoyant. And should you fall in to the water, it actually prevents you from needing to swim, a cardio-vascular exercise. It should be called a ‘heart-attack helper’ or a ‘death coozie’.

Then when he doesn’t comply, the lake police use pepper-spray. With this I’d like to point out that the attendance of this so called party boat included his mother. How wasted can you get with your mom on the boat? His father was also there, and he actually called 911, on the cops! Let’s just say that I am somewhat open to the possibility that there are more sides to this story. Either way, at least now Benson is no longer a threat to all the other drunken assholes out on the lake.