By Ted…
(Editor’s Note: Ted said I was allowed to remove his song. How could I do something like that? Enjoy.)
To the tune of ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’
Take me out with Madonna
It’s real easy, by God.
All you need is a marriage to break
And a big A-Rod
Rodriguez is dating Madonna
It’s not just a media stunt
If you ask the dugout you’ll find
She’s got a real vicious… bunt
So in case you’ve been living on the moon or somewhere else without E! or ESPN (like Wyoming), let me try to break the news easy for ya’: A-Rod is allegedly greasing his bat with Madonna. The story of their intimate friendship (read: fcuk buddies) came out as his wife Cynthia filed for divorce citing extra-marital affairs (read: the sin of adultery!) and as rumors started of a potential divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, of ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’ fame.
The questions never stop: How in the hell did these two hook-up? How does a guy who directed a movie entitled ‘Snatch’ lose Madonna? Why, if A-Rod was looking for a fling with a washed-up pop star, did he not think of Britney Spears, Madonna did? Seriously A-Rod you’re the de facto leader of the free world, aka most famous baseball player during a lame duck presidency; it’s in the constitution, trust me. Couldn’t you at least entice us with a sex-scandal that didn’t go out of style with Duran Duran? Even Michael Jackson had moved on to little leaguers before Madonna went stale.
So for those interested here’s the play by play:
A-Rod parties with Madonna and the Kabala elite at a fundraiser, sponsored by Gucci, in NYC sans seven-month-pregnant wife. The Material Girl then gets inducted into the Rock Hall of Fame without her hubbie, he’s with the kids going to the ‘Speed Racer’ premier; not sure if A-Rod made it, but he was able to fly to Miami ten minutes after his kid gets born then turn around and fly back. A-Rod is out for a few games against the White Sox with no real explanation, whilst Madonna is showing a documentary at Tribeca Film Festival. A-Rod was definitely at a her promo-performance the day after being put on the fifteen day injury list for, drum roll please… a groin-pull. At some point, the injured A-Rod managed to rent a secret apartment in the condos of a Columbus Circle hotel. Meanwhile she moves rehearsal for her upcoming tour to Brooklyn despite the tours starting in London and not coming to America (New Jersey, tickets still available) until two months later. The mystery continues…
Oh and did I mention he cheated before with a former stripper named Candy ‘Not Hot Lips from MASH’ Houlihan? Keep swinging for the fence A-Rod.
In other news, Yankees remain 6.5 games back of the Tampa Bay Rays.
Jose Canseco, notorious confessor-at-large, has announced that he was once seduced by Madonna who apparently wanted to birth his Cuban baby. Wow, I don’t even know where to start. So far Canseco has not suffered any consequences, aside from earning a reputation as an enormous douche-bag, for revealing his past use of steroids; no word yet on whether his abuse of mullets and mesh t-shirts will come under further congressional scrutiny.
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