By Christian…
By now, you brilliant and attentive Bizzo enthusiasts have likely read a nauseating amount of mostly-inane, sometimes credible commentary on the baseball trade deadline that has just passed.
You know that everyone from Jason Stark to the weird guy with the Brewers hat from the early 80s that lives across the street and walks around naked a lot (and also happens to host a pretty good upstart sports blog) thinks that Manny could be a disaster or win the NL West for the Dodgers, that Jason Bay is slightly less talented but provides better chemistry for the Sawx, that Griffey is old and brittle and now playing center field (never a good idea), and that the Braves suck (sorry, had to vent personal frustration there).
What you DON’T know about are all the trades that came close to happening. So, let’s run through a few right now.
1. Will Ohman (RP for the Braves) to the Rockies for Matt Holliday (LF), Todd Helton (1B), Brian Fuentes (RP), and some leftover “Rocktober” t-shirts from the Rockies’ playoff run last year.
Breakdown: This trade was a lot closer than you think. Why? Both because the Rockies are dying to get rid of the rest of those “Rocktober” t-shirts, being that it was the single, stupidest catch phrase in the history of professional sports, and because Will Ohman quintupled his trade value last week when he did the world’s greatest impression of Harry Caray reciting the Braves’ lineup. Seriously. It was better than Will Ferrell’s and that’s saying a lot. You can find that HERE.
Let’s face it. The Braves blew it big time. They traded what amounted to basically their entire farm system last year to acquire Mark Teixeira for the stretch run and the entirety of this year. Then they come to find out that he’s crap and he sucks in the clutch and, for all the praise that is heaped on his dainty little shoulders, he really doesn’t deserve any lauding at all.
Tex, likely going to command $20 million+ a year for 6 to 7 years on the free agent market this year (thank you Scott Boras, you douche), was supposed to be the piece the Braves needed to return to glory. Instead? The dude still did almost nothing for the first half of the year, despite the switch-hitting Chipper Jones hitting well over .400 in front of him, Brian McCann having another career year behind him, and the fact that he was in a contract year.
The excuse given, of course, was that Tex is a “slow starter” and that he couldn’t do it all by himself and blah blah blah. Well, those sure are crappy excuses when we traded a future star catcher (Salty), the next Horacio Ramirez with less power (Elvis Andrus), and a couple of promising pitchers (Perez and Harrison) based on the premise (the self-proclaimed premise from Tex) that he knew he could help the Braves win. He proved nothing but that he’s a liar and a terribly ineffective mercenary.
Fortunately, at least the Braves were able to trade him before the deadline this year for a guy that’s a pretty mediocre hitter but who is inevitably going to be nicknamed “Krotch” for the rest of his tenure with the team. At least that nickname indicates truthfully that Casey Kotchman is going to smell like a jockstrap and likely play like one. I’ll take that over the horrific misnomer that is “Big Tex.” A more appropriate nickname for Teixeira would be “Little Sheboygan,” a reference to the locale he ought to be banished to after screwing up my favorite team’s playoff hopes and minor league system.
As a quick aside, I’d also like to add that one of our Bizzo Editor’s, Toph (himself a very large Texas Rangers fan, or at least as much of a fan of the Texas Rangers as anyone can actually be without killing themselves) warned me when the Braves acquired Tex that he was going to be a letdown. I believe Toph said something along the lines of “Just wait, dude, he’s not that good. His numbers look good at the end of the year, but he does nothing when the game’s on the line.” Incidentally, Toph also recently told me that my girlfriend sucks and doesn’t deserve me. And we broke up a week later.
So, it appears that the moral of this story is that Toph is ALWAYS right. Who knew?
2. What’s Left of the Texas Rangers’ Dignity to the Kansas City Royals for a Perpetuity of Sucking.
Breakdown: Basically the reason this didn’t happen is that it was a wash. Neither team made out. The Rangers are pretty much already condemned to sucking for eternity, and the Royals already have little to no dignity (see: signing a bunch of free agents in the offseason and then trading away the entire team every year around the trade deadline). So, the trade would be basically swapping bottom-dwelling qualities.
On the upside, the Royals are starting to look like a team that could actually crack the .500 mark one of these years…assuming, of course, that they land Big Papi, Brandon Webb, Tim Lincecum, Justin Morneau, and a new fan base this offseason. Well, Royals, it was worth a shot anyway.
3. The Milwaukee Brewers’ Sausage Race to the Mets for the Giant Apple in Right-Center and cash considerations.
Breakdown: This deal was on the table because Milwaukee needs money. Without it, they’re never going to be able to resign CC Sabathia…and they absolutely need to make that happen, given how good he’s been this year.
The Mets, with their new stadium in the works, are going to need some sort of schtick to attract fans. Their play, alone, certainly isn’t going to do it because, frankly, they’re the Mets…nobody likes them. So, you figure they trade that idiotic big red apple that comes out of the top hat in right-center whenever a Met hits a homerun (and, thus, the apple is almost always relegated to invisibility), since they’re going to be getting rid of that thing when they move to the new stadium anyway. In return, they get the Sausage Race to match the sausagefest they always have in their clubhouse after rare victories, and they give up some cash.
Seems fair to me.
Did I mention the Mets are the worst?
And speaking of them…
4. David Wright’s Soul to the Devil in exchange for Hell Freezing Over.
Breakdown (Seriously, Mets, I’m commanding you to break down and go home): Honestly? I think this trade may have already happened.
The only time the Mets will ever win the World Series is when Hell is frozen solid. Therefore, it figures that they would have to make a deal with the devil if they ever expect to be crowned champions.
Now, consider how putrid they were playing earlier this year. Their clubhouse was in disarray, they couldn’t score a run, even Johan Santana was getting knocked around, and they were in fourth place in the pretty weak NL East. I thought for sure they’d beat out the Nationals for worst record in the division.
And then all of a sudden, they mysteriously got their mojo back. Carlos Delgado, all but dead for the last few years, starts hitting homers. Johan starts throwing shutouts. Pedro is still junk. Jose Reyes stops throwing tantrums and batting helmets.
You think that’s the result of a managerial change? Puhhhhhhlease. Jerry Manuel does not a World Series contender make. It’s the result of the Mets taking their golden boy, David Wright’s, soul and giving it to Satan with the condition that he would use his evil will to make them champions this year. And it’s working, because they’re in first place (or at least bouncing between first and second).
The good part for all of us that hate the Mets (meaning every being on earth) is that David Wright is a tool. And remember how sullen and forlorn Bart Simpson became when he sold his soul to Millhouse? That’s right…we can expect the same thing from the over-appreciated, under-performing third baseman for the Metropolitans. Hopefully, they’ll do the same thing with Johan’s soul next year.
God, I hate the Mets.
5. Bud Selig to the Chinese Government for a Ticket to the Olympics’ Opening Ceremonies, Nose-Bleed Section.
Breakdown: This might be a waiver wire acquisition for China. They sure as heck don’t need to overpay for Selig, and surely no one else wants the bum enough to claim him. It could also be a sign and trade deal, too, because the Chinese government is gonna want Selig for at least a few years so they can run tests on him to figure out just how some Americans become so stupid.
None of us have been able to figure out what the hell Selig is doing with the All-Star game, why he handled the Bonds fiasco the way he did, and why he claims to love baseball and then single-handedly ruins tradition after tradition in the game. But, suffice it to say that whoever in Major League Baseball gets that nose-bleed opening ceremonies ticket is winning out BIG TIME, even if they have to pay the exhorbitant cost of a plane ticket to China.
Summation:
So you see, my little Bizzoers, Manny, the Kid, and Little Sheboygan are not the only big players whose names were being tossed around like a Persian hooker on Mardi Gras (don’t ask).
There were quite a few trades that didn’t materialize but could have. And the trouble is that we all would have been a lot better off if David Wright’s soul was in Satan’s possession, Bud Selig was a Chinese National, and the Mets were busy dressing their three fans up in sausage suits and running them around their decrepit stadium while a naked Billy Wagner chases them, yelling “I’ll get you my pretties!” That’d be a lot more fun to watch than them blowing it in the ninth inning on a grand-slam by Mike Who-Said-I-Can’t-Hit-Homers-Anymore Loretta.
4 Comments, Comment or Ping
Susan Kishner
I’ve been reading along for a while now. I just wanted to drop you a comment to say keep up the good work.
Aug 4th, 2008
Mets
Let’s Go Mets!
I found the apple part amusing, but the David Wright part– not so much.
Aug 4th, 2008
Toph
Susan - Thanks for reading, keep dropping by.
Mets - Glad you didn’t take too much offense… he’s a bitter Braves fan.
Aug 4th, 2008
ryan
i love persian hookers almost as much as tijuana hookers
Aug 5th, 2008
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