The Sports Bizzo

By Brandon…

If sources on the internet are to be believed, fist fighting has been a legitimate sport for thousands of years. In fact, the Bible says, somewhere, that Jesus took in a few prizefights during the last supper.  That Sumerian was a lock, but the fight was rigged by Judas.  In all likelihood, fighting has been a legitimate woman-and-food getting activity for tens of thousands of years.   If cavemen had not pioneered the beatdown, would we be civilized today?  Do you think they played rock, paper, scissors to see who would try to stab a saber-toothed tiger?  Hell no!  Whoever had that job knew they could pick the tiger, or deal with the fist of the alpha male back at the cave.  And you know what – those saber tooth thingies don’t exist anymore.

Fast forward to the 2008 Summer Olympics – boxing is barely a sport, and it is definitely not a fistfight.  I won’t bore you with all the details of why Olympic “boxing” is a joke, circus, and mockery of a man’s sport, because chances are, you did not watch it.  I cringe to think how Jesus and the Greeks laugh at us today.  The headgear, computer scoring, the rounds that last TWO minutes?  And what about MMA and pro boxing you say?  They’ve got their problems too – which is why today I propose a new fighting league.  A fight promotion company built on awesome.  The USIBFCW.  Also known as the Ultimate Supreme International Barbarian Fighting Conference of the World.

The general rules:

There will be six 10-minute rounds, with a 2-minute break between rounds.

The fight will take place on a large, unforgiving square mat, and the area surrounding the mat shall be concrete covered in sandpaper or steel wool.  After being thrown into, or falling in this area, the ref will escort a fighter back into the ring for another beatdown.  (Hello sumo wrestlers)

Fighters can win by knocking their opponent unconscious, forcing their opponent to tap-out, or of course by getting an opponent’s corner to throw in the towel. Relatives (blood or in-law) are not allowed in a man’s corner.

No doctors allowed – only a team of hot nurses.

Getting back to ancient roots – no gloves or headgear allowed.  Only gauze can be used to wrap hands and protect knuckles.

Fish Hooking is allowed - If you don’t know what fish hooking is, you’ve been watching too many shitty fight leagues.  After a good fish hook, a fighter will become Heath Ledger’s Joker character.

Grappling and wrestling is allowed, but unless you like to “spar on the weekends” or you “appreciate Brazilian jiu-jitsu” – you know that two guys on the ground can get boring.

This brings us to the “Boo” rule – if the crowd starts to boo at the action, the referee is compelled to make the fighters restart, unless one is about to submit.

Of course, the “Boo” rule means that there is an unspoken rule – always fight at a neutral site unless the money is too much to pass on.  You could be winning and then the crowd boos, which could make the ref stop the action.

Penalty Strikes  (AKA eye for an eye nut for a nut Bible rule) – whenever a fighter is hit below the belt or another foul occurs, the other fighter gets a chance to commit the same foul.  This will discourage eye gouging and biting.

No hits to the groin – for fucks sake we aren’t talking about warfare here.

Intentional killing is also a foul; so don’t bring any crazy death-touch kung fu crap into the ring.  If you intentionally kill your opponent (verified by instant replay), then you have to fight a hungry tiger for six regulation rounds.  Choke moves don’t count against you, but neck snaps do.  The opponent must have a few seconds to tap out.

Legal Moves:  Fish Hooking, Punching, Kicking, Stomping, all elbows, all knees, spitting, head butting, clavicle grabbing, choking, bone breaking submission moves, hitting a downed opponent, and taunting.

Fouls: Gouging, scratching, biting, nut kicking, nut punching, nut head butting, and engaging an opponent on the sandpaper area of the ring.

Fans choose the fights!  Forget those gimme matchups. This fighting collective will let fans vote on which matchups they want to see next, with only weight class as a parameter.

Pay-per-view is not allowed.  It’s a total buzz kill for the whole proletarian barbaric spirit of fighting.

Championship Fight Rules:

1  Remember when Van Damme was in that Kickboxer movie, and in the last fight he
had to dip his gauze-wrapped hands in glue and then broken glass?  And then he’s lookin all like, man this is fucking crazy?  Only real champions that seek GLORY, not money, need apply.

2  All substances allowed during the breaks between rounds, you name it, you can use it. Think – speedballs, bourbon, and liquid band-aids.

3   Last but not least, throwing in the towel is not allowed in a championship fight.  After the 4th round begins, if the ref thinks a fighter is done, he’ll stop the action, and then yell “Finish Him!”  The prospective victor will have one strike to knock the guy out of the ring or unconscious.  If he cannot succeed, the hurt fighter has 30 seconds to recover and the action starts again.

So that’s a good start.  Investors - please give the Ramblin Gambler a call and I will tell you how we can get rich with this shit on a small island by transmitting pirated TV signals. Readers, please submit your suggestions.

When the dollar hits rock bottom and you’re siphoning gas from your neighbors, only one sport will be your salvation.  When you’ve finished your six pack and you’re bitching about how that pass interference call ruined your team’s super bowl chances, your fantasy league, and your whole fucking life, only one sport will quench your thirst for glory.  When you’re running from loan sharks and you’re stuck in a mexican motel twenty miles outside of Nuevo Laredo, only one pirated foreign station can entertain you.  Sunday Sunday Sunday… USIBFCW.