The Sports Bizzo

By Christian…

Even on your worse day, take heart.  The Mets still suck worse than you do.

The New York Mets collapsed again on Sunday, waiting until the last day of the season for the second year in a row to rip their fans hearts out and spit dip on them.

Though one might be tempted to blame their collapse on someone in particular (Omar Minaya and his feeble attempts at acquiring relief help, Luis Ayala being that feeble attempt at relief help, one of their two managers for being queefs, David Wright for being a sissy, etc.), in all honesty, it was a total team effort.  The Mets combined their individual penchants for blowing it into a devastating force of futility.

“There’s no doubt about it.  We are a bunch of vaginas,” said David Wright in a prepared statement on Sunday.  Wright also mentioned that he prepared the statement in August, right after a closed-door team meeting.

What exactly was said during that team meeting no one knows except the players.  What we do know, however, is that every single member of the Mets organization made a pact that they would find a way to blow it this season.

And Mets players do not go back on their word.

“I had no idea the depths this organization could sink to,” Johan Santana responded, the day after almost ruining the sucking pact with his complete game win over the Marlins to keep the Mets tied with the Brewers for the wild card spot.

“If I had known what a bunch of nutless little girls these guys are, you couldn’t have paid me China’s gross domestic product to sign here.  Honestly?  I’m wondering if there’s even half a testicle collectively between the entire rest of the team.”

Sadly, it appears Santana’s wonders are valid.

While other teams are establishing themselves as dynasties, or close to it (see: any team in the Boston area), New York’s baseball teams are crafting fine traditions of large payrolls and zero results.

The Mets, in particular, are perfecting the art of overspending and then inserting their heads into their assholes for the entire year.

“Personally, I thought we did an outstanding job,” said Jose Reyes, through an interpreter with a shoddy reputation.  “We all got together in August and made a promise that we would refuse to make the playoffs.  I just look around this locker room, see all these guys packing up and heading off to their mansions and islands for the offseason, and I smile.  We did what we came to do: collect our paychecks and leave.”

Santana wasn’t so optimistic.

“Do I think we had a shot?  Of course I think we had a fucking shot!  All we had to do today was win against the goddamn Marlins!!!  Fuck’s sake!!!  How hard can that possibly be?”

When told that that’s a pretty impossible task when you bring in Scott Schoeneweis and Luis Ayala to shut the other team down, Santana almost killed the reporter.

“Where is Ayala, anyway?  Huh?  Where is that little dickless fuckstick?  I’m going to slaughter that guy.  CLOSER?!?!?  Minaya thought he should be the CLOSER?!?!?  AHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Santana then ran screaming down the hall with a bat to find Ayala.

Luckily, Ayala had left right after he blew the game, stepping directly out of the clubhouse into his stretch Hummer limousine with a smile and a wave, mouthing the words “Mets suck!”

Alas, the collapse is over for this year.  And this Braves fan is sad to see it gone already.

But, that certainly won’t keep me from going to every single Mets blog tonight and posting “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH”  under a “Bravesfan” pseudonym at least twenty times.

Because the Braves sucked this year.  But, the Mets easily make me forget that.