The Sports Bizzo

You know, boys and girls, everything else I write about, I’m an expert at.  Ladies, love-making, lap dances, lithographs, laminating, lambasting, alliteration…I rock it all.

But if there’s one thing that I’m not familiar with, it’s having a lot of free time on my hands in October.

I don’t know if you Bizzoers can believe it, but this is the first October I’ve had free since 1994.  That means that I’ve never not been to the playoffs.  Can you believe that?  I’m usually busy winning championships pretty much single-handedly right about now.  I’m a lifetime .309 hitter with 49 home runs in the postseason.  I’ve been to 12 Division Series, 7 League Championships, and 6 World Series.  I’ve got 3 titles.  Not that I’m counting, or anything.

This season, though, Jorge, Gayrod, Wangdoodles, and the rest of my team felt like they wanted to give me October off.  And I must say, I’ve got some grand plans.

What does your beloved Jeets do with his first October off, you wonder?  He chases the ultimate prize.  Sarah Palin.

I spanked it to the debate tonight.  I got a little weirded out a few times because Joe Biden’s old, makeup covered mug kept popping up right when I was about to make a sexual explosion.  But, I got over it after a while because Sarah is such a little minx.

Seriously, kids.  How much of a sex kitten is that young lady?  My goodness.  She’s like the Jeets of the political world…except dumber and female.  But, like me, she’s the sexiest person in the room at all times.

So, with all this free time on my hands, I figured: why not land me the hottest tail on the campaign trail?  Besides, I’ve already sexed up Mama McCain.  And guess what?  NOT as good as you’d imagine her to be.

Anyway, I needed to do a little research to decide whether Palin was worth going after.  This was back in January.  I guess I should mention that I knew about Palin’s bid for VP before she even did because Mama McCain told me while we were doing it.  She said John had this hot little crush on some Alaskan Governor, that he always made her pretend she was Sarah Palin in the sack, and that I should do some reconnaissance work to find out what she was all about.

So, in between my twelve hour a day workouts, I borrowed Air Force One from Dubya (he owed me a favor for hooking him up with some hotties for a poker game at the ranch last year), and flew up to Alaska real quick.  Palin was busy building some bridge to nowhere or something, so I had to make due and hit on her daughter Bristol instead.

One thing led to another, of course, and Bristol and I almost ended up doing it.  We didn’t actually get it on but I’m Jeets…she got pregnant just by looking at me.  And then a couple months later, Sarah gets the VP nod (I told Cindy Mac that Sarah deserved the thumbs up, just based on how hot her daughter was) and it’s all over the news that Bristol’s pregnant.  Except, one problem.  They give some d-bag credit for my handywork.  Bristol had a Jeets-induced immaculate conception and I don’t even get the credit?  Whatever.

Now, I’m focusing on Sarah.  She wants to get some drilling done in Alaska?  Oh, we’re gonna get some drilling done.  I’m going Into The Wild on that ass.

Here’s the three step plan:

1.  Call Sarah’s husband up and tell him to go play with himself in another state.  And shave the goatee.

2.  Call Bristol up and tell her to round up the Palin brood and go ice fishing.  I’ve already got her digits in my cell because the girl won’t stop texting me.  “Oh, Jeets, when are you gonna come see your baby?”  Please.  Like I haven’t heard that before.

3.  Call Sarah up and invite her out to go logging with me.  I figure after she watches me fell some redwoods just by staring at them and threatening them, she’ll be so into me that her dainties will just automatically drop.

And that’s pretty much it.

I figure Sarah and I will probably do it straight through until election time, so I’ll just holla at my girl Tina Fey to make all Sarah’s public appearances for her.  No one will know the difference, anyway.  Hell, Tina’ll probably win the election for her.  And you know what that means…Jeets will be doing it in the White House in no time…again (wud up Babs Bush?).

So, Bizzoers, I’ll make sure I do another how-to guide after I’m done porking Sarah in the pork barrel.  That one will be called “Jeets How-To Guide: Bagging a VP.”

Jeets, out.