The Sports Bizzo

(Editor’s Note: Meet Jerame, our Wild Card. For right now, he’s a contributor. Let’s see if his face makes the lineup…)

By Jerame Browning…

Hello Bizz-heads, or rather bizzo-philes, maybe bizzo-sexuals. Whatever. Welcome to the Wild Card page of the Bizzo. It will be my job and pleasure to provide you good men and women…. (well let’s face if mostly men) With another perspective on a few sports related ideas. This is coming from some one who never had an ounce of sports ability or knowledge. I will pick up small facts then insert them into conversations that I have no business having much like wives or girlfriends you may have or have had in the past. On to the first topic.

We all know that there are classic snacks at the ballpark or stadium. I am of course talking about the peanuts and crackerjacks, as well as bratwurst and beer of the Chicago/ Green Bay area. Yet what about the lesser know sports and their snack traditions? Before getting into that I have some alternatives that one might want to try next time at the ballpark.

•       At a Rangers game…..sour grapes and/or tequila made from the tears of the Indians we originally stole this land from so we could give the world a perpetual disappointment.
•       At a Cubs game…. Goat pizza (not goat cheese, just goat.) with a side of Coors Light. (because it taste like goat piss.)
•        At a Red Sox game… Devils food cake. All hail the Great White Satan of Baseball.

These are just a few ideas. Now when the new Cowboy’s stadium and if they are not winning you could always have a dish called 250 million dollar pudding. Basically you get a great big bowl that cost 250 million dollars and several people their homes and fill it to the brim with shit that you have sprinkled sugar on. (Note to the reader. This joke and recipe can be used on any team getting a new stadium. Yankees or Mets or anyone. But since the Cowboys effect me the most geographically I chose to dump on them.)
Now we move on to lesser known or less cared about sports such as…

•       Curling. Since curling’s resurgence at the Olympics in 1998 a lot of fun has been made of this sport… and more will be made here. The idea of curling is simple a person tries to slide a large “rock” down a long piece of ice to get it to stop at a target or home. The only way of controlling its path is with two “sweepers” who use timing and their best judgment to bring the rock to rest at home. The only snack that comes to mind for that is Meth…. and lots of it. Smoke it, snort it, hell if you inject it you might die and that would be more interesting then watching this snore fest. (Note to the reader. This sport has amateur tournaments that are televised in Canada.)
•       Ulama. “The object of the game is to keep the ball in play and in bounds. Depending on the score – and the local variant of the rules – the ball is played either high or low. A team scores a point when a player of the opposing team hits the ball out of turn; misses the ball; knocks the ball out of bounds; touches the ball with their hands or some other body part aside from the hip; accidentally touches a team-mate; lets the ball stop moving before it reaches the centre line or even if they fail to announce the score after they have scored a point.” – from Wikipedia. The only thing I can think for this game or sport is the boiled head of a virgin girl. This joke is based on the fact that this sport was originally played by the pre-Columbian people of South America such as the Olmec or Aztec which were two societies that were not squeamish about human sacrifice. You could either eat that or some nice Chile fries. Eh? Eh? Eh?
•       Tug ’o’ War. Now you may be saying that this is not a sport. Yet until 1920 it was in the summer Olympics. So for this I would recommend watching the entire tournament with a friend and you would both pick a side and a liquor for each match the loser would down his shot. If you wanted to be cute you could specify the liquor to the team’s region of origin. Example…. Jameson Irish Whisky for the southern Ireland team. Or Svedka vodka for the Swiss team. No need to travel back in time to do this. There is a yearly competition.

I would like you thank you for reading through the Wild card article. And until next time remember…. Beer to liquor gets you drunk quicker. Liquor to wine makes you feel just fine.

Peace out bitches.