The Sports Bizzo

By Jon…

In my four year’s as a loyal reader of Bill Simmons, I have never once been mentioned in a mailbag. Never received an e-mail response. Never illicited any kind of response out of him whatsoever.

That may change very soon, my friends.

I finally stumbled upon a topic that no one has ever talked about, and that he should have an interest in.

The nonexistence of technical fouls in any NBA video game ever.

Technical fouls are an integral part of the NBA, and this postseason has proven that. They can swing momentum. Remove big-time players from big-time games. Fire up the crowd. And yet, not once, have they even tinkered with the idea of putting technicals in the game.

There are only two possible explanations for why game developers havent done it yet.

1. It’s too tough to do. I haven’t the slightest idea how video game programming works, so I’m not gonna bang on guys who have done nothing but make kick-ass games and help me waste years of my life.  That said, it might just be too hard to do. Technicals are completely subjective, for the most part, and that would be tough to teach the AI refs to do.

2. This is honestly why I believe it hasn’t happened: David Stern. He’s so overly image-conscious with his league, especially after the Ron Artest Melee, that I wouldn’t put it past him to refuse the NBA license to any game that added a hard foul option.

But, come on, man, tell me having a hard foul option wouldn’t be the most bad ass addition to a video game since Madden’s ‘Hit-Stick’. Think about it: You’re playing as the Mavericks. You’re in a hard-fought home playoff game against the hated San Antonio Spurs. It’s late in the fourth quarter. You sub in Jerry Stackhouse. You give him the ‘Sweep the Leg’ call. Stackhouse airballs a three-point attempt from the top of the key. Duncan grabs the rebound, throws a long outlet to a wide-open Manu Ginobili. Stackhouse is the only guy within 10 feet of him. You turbo Stack to just under the basket, hit up on the Right Control Stick (aptly named the Technical Stick) and…

SKADOOSH!!!

Stack goes flying, Ginobili hits the deck hard. He’s writhing on the floor, maybe a little blood can be seen on his face, but he’s definitely hurt. The crowd’s going batshit. Stackhouse gets thrown out of the game, and hell, the series, for all I care. Ginobili tries to make the free throws, but can’t, and immediately checks out of the game. You’ve successfully eliminated the Spurs 2nd or 3rd best player, and you go on to win the series.

I don’t think it makes for a sound plan in real life, but when have video games been about what works in real life. I’ve been running the same four plays in Madden for almost 15 years, and they always work. That’s not real life. It’s exploiting AI for all its worth. And that’s all I really want to do.

I want to make little Varejao’s head bleed everytime his flop-haired ass tries to get a breakaway dunk on me.

They have fighting in the hockey video games.

Am I asking too much? I don’t think so.

And that’s why I need your help Sports Guy. You know people. You’ve talked to David Stern. You can get the lowdown on this. And, best case scenario, you get the Technical Stick added to NBA 2K12.

I believe in you, Sports Guy. Make it happen.