The Sports Bizzo

By Jon…

Today kinda feels like Christmas morning, but not in a good way.

Did you ever have one of those Christmas’ (Christmases?) where you asked for some really badass expensive toy that you knew you probably weren’t going to get, but you held out hope until the last conceivable minute?

I can’t remember one offhand, so for the purpose of this article, I’ll just pretend like I’m an 9 year old girl who’s been asking for a pony for the last three years and still hasn’t gotten it? It’s a stretch, I know, but bear with me.

Right off the bat, it’s tough to rap one’s head around being a member of the opposite gender. But forget about gender, this allegory isn’t about doodles and vajayays, it’s about feelings of disappointment and not getting what you’ve always wanted even though you’ve been a good and loyal person for those five years.

Think about it.

Alright, now that we’re all on the same page:

Goddamnit, Mark Cuban. Can we get a fucking pony already?

I’m getting really tired of this. We’ve been waiting for a pony for three years, and all you’ve given us is a horse who’s a couple of years from ending up in a Jell-O box or as a violin bow.

(the horse analogy has run its course. Jason Kidd is the future Jell-O and/or violin bow)

I’ll speak plainly now.

Free agency season opens today and you need to do something crazy. Dirk’s Championship clock is ticking like a time bomb, and we don’t have much time. You need to make a splash, Cubes, can I call you Cubes?

I don’t want another bullshit Antoine Walker trade, I want a significant move, one that gets the media talking. One that makes people say, “You have to consider the Mavs a real contender in the Western Conference after this acquisition.”

We need this. We’ve been good all year. For the last 3 years, we’ve been good. And time’s running out.

Any day now, we’re gonna figure out that Santa’s not real, and that miracles don’t happen in one night, and that we’ll never win that sonofabitch Championship that eluded us three years ago.

You’ve got one more year. Only because I hear that next year’s ponies are supposed to be really great.

I’ve already got two names picked out and everything.

If he’s just an all around good pony, I’m gonna call him D-Wade.

And if you really love me, and you get me the best pony in the entire world, I’m gonna name it King James.