By Jon (yep… you read that right)…

John Hollinger doesn’t get it.

I read ESPN religiously, and I continually hate myself for doing so. ESPN may very well be the reason behind the rise and fall of sports media. I know Ben Stiller was gunning for a laugh when he came up with “The Ocho” in Dodgeball, but he wasn’t too far off the mark.

I name drop John Hollinger for a reason. He’s one of the increasing number of hacks that populate the ESPN universe. Guys who were given a column because they had some “new and interesting” way of looking at sports.

He’s a stat guy.

I have friends who are Actuaries and Statisticians. There’s no doubt in my mind that statistics are an incredibly useful tool. It’s great for sports, too. Just not the way he uses them. Hollinger is part of a new wave of statisticians who’ve decided to come up with new ways of looking at sports through new statistical formulas.

Good for you.

Progress isn’t made by things just happening. There’s lots of hard work involved. Lots of trial and error.

But sometimes, man, your shit just don’t make sense.

Your formulas are in the trial stage at best. And yet, you keep writing these articles as if your formulas are gospel. It’s good to trust in your hard work, but you’re forgetting the most important thing about sports. The thing you can’t quantify. The thing you can’t bottle. The thing that makes sports really fantastic to watch.

Momentum.

It changes games. It changes seasons. It changes everything.

This little soapbox I’m writing comes on the heels of Hollinger’s most recent gem about the Mavs’ status as a contender or pretender.

Through the shrewd use of his “formulas”, Hollinger takes a big ol’ steamin’ dump on the Mavs’ eight game winning streak.

He employs the logic that the Mavs’ have been as lucky as they have good. Fair enough. Part of being good is being lucky. But then he cites statistics about how the Mavs’ have a 15-5 record in games decided by five points or fewer.

What bothers me about this, is that next week, he’s just as likely to use a similar statistic with a different team to point out how they aren’t contenders because they don’t know how to close out games.

That’s what makes a contender. Winning the close ones. The ones where the team isn’t firing on all cylinders, but still wins.

A rebuttal, Hollinger: Occam’s Razor. The simplest explanation tends to be the best one.

You’re over thinking the goddamned thing.

The Mavs are energized from the trade. They’ve got some new pieces. They can do something’s they couldn’t before. They got rid of some festering parts that were eating away at the team.

Simply, they’ve got momentum on their side. They hosted an incredibly successful All-Star weekend. One they didn’t have to travel for. They’re rested. They’re energized. Rejuvenated. All of these are reasons that should be looked at WAY before you start looking at plus/minus differentials, true shooting percentage, or whatever new numbers you’re tossing around.

Here, an anecdote:

I’ve spent the last six years watching LOST. It’s finally drawing to a close. When I first started watching, I was obsessed with what the numbers meant. They had to have some major meaning, surely they weren’t just picked arbitrarily by the writers. As they show progressed, I realized just that. There wasn’t some big secret behind the numbers.

They were just numbers. I kept watching the show because of the story, because of the people involved.

I’m not saying you should give up your job as a statistician. You’re doing some good work out there.

But, sometimes, just for a second, you should turn that part of your brain off, and just watch the damn games.

Write an article about that. About your gut reaction. About how momentum swung the game. Write about how the game made you feel. Watch it for the stories, for the people involved. And if the numbers end up meaning something in the end.

Bonus.

And if not, oh well, at least you can let us all know for two seconds, that you weren’t just some robot who spit out statistics.

Doug, I’d say you were a lucky SOB, but you didn’t actually get to meet Melissa Rycroft, so you’re not.

But… Merry Christmas from Toph, Jon, Christian and the rest of The Sports Bizzo contributors.

By Jon…

Weekly Grumblings, my ass. I’m sure that’s what y’all are thinking. Well, I’ve needed to build up some things to grumble about. So here we go, a marathon version of the grumblings….

1. If I see one more box score or headline that says Devin Harris has set another career high in points, I’m gonna kill someone. Harris scored 47 points the other day, FORTY SEVEN POINTS!!! That’s ridiculous. Why did the Mavs trade him again? Oh right, for that old man whose name suggests otherwise (Kidd). I sincerely hope Mark Cuban has big plans for all the cap money that comes when Kidd’s contract expires.

The Kidd trade was a total debacle. It wreaks of a bad relationship gone worse. You ever had a situation in your life where you dumped or got dumped by somebody and then you found someone newer, younger, and hotter, and then the old Harpy comes back and says that she wants you back, and since you never really got over her, and you don’t know where this new relationship is going, and things are comfortable with the old one, you get back with her? Only to watch the younger, hotter one hook up with some spare of a dude, but she bangs him FORTY SEVEN times more than you because he let go of the reigns and said go for it? Ever had that happen?

Me either, but it happened to the Mavs.

2. The BCS system is flawed. I know I’m going out on a limb when I say that. In fact, as far as I know, I may be the only one saying it. But the system is flawed. Furthermore, the Big 12 system is flawed even more. How hard is it to get your tiebreaker scenarios right? If three teams are tied, standard circle-jerk rules apply. Last one to finish is the biscuit. In this case, there were two biscuits. Texas Tech is the official biscuit, because they lost last. But Texas is the one eating the biscuit. A big, nasty BCS covered biscuit because they lost to Okla…no, wait a second, they didn’t lose to Oklahoma. They beat Oklahoma in Aust….er..Norm….wait, no Dallas. A neutral site, one might call it, where neither team has a distinct home field advantage because the crowd is divided equally amongst both teams.

Oklahoma is, for all intents and purposes, being rewarded for blowing their collective wad too early. Where else in life is that rewarded? NOWHERE! So why should it work in college football?

All I’m saying is, if Oklahoma somehow loses against Mizzou, you bet your biscuits, Texas should be in the BCS championship game, conference title be damned. Oklahoma shouldn’t get another free pass like they did a few years ago when they lost in the Big 12 title game, only to be gifted a slot in the national championship game, only to get completely annihilated by USC.

3. Plaxico Burress, your life has finally become as silly as your name. If you didn’t want to play because you felt like being a crybaby, you could’ve just faked the hamstring injury you were already out for. You didn’t have to go and put a goddamn bullethole in it. We believed you when you said your hammy was hurting, no need to get crazy. No need to drag your teammates into it.

Here’s what gets me, Plax…is it okay if I call you, Plax? If the reason for carrying the gun is to protect oneself, wouldn’t it behoove said gun carrier to take a lesson in gun safety, or hell some sort of gun training course?

I mean, surely, you’ve heard the statistics that you’re more likely to harm someone you know than a stranger. I don’t know if they send you a letter in the mail when you actually become part of that statistic, but you should be expecting yours later this week. Actually, you know, I bet they email it.  You’ll probably get an email.

I just don’t get it, dude. Why do you need a gun anyway? Does it give you a boner to think of the power you hold by carrying a gun? You caught the game-winning touchdown against an undefeated team in the Super Bowl, for Christ’s sake. How much bigger of a boner do you need?

4. Hands down the best thing to come of the Plaxico accidental shooting was this – Marcellus Wiley on OTL
Outside the Lines interview with former Bills defensive end Marcellus Wiley. In the span of a three minute interview, Wiley manages to incriminate himself on at least two different crimes. First, he mentions the kind of weapon he carried and the type of holster. Secondly, he admits to it being unregistered, and on top of that admits to disposing of it by throwing it out of his car window while driving down the highway. Priceless….

By Jon…

I know we’re getting into the thick of football season and there’s absolutely no reason for me to even be thinking about basketball, but this is urgent. I know I said a few weeks ago that I wasn’t going to talk about the Mavs anymore for now, but again this is urgent. And I know I haven’t done a Mendoza Line segment in at least two months, but, if I’m correct, I think we might have our first two-time winner….

JOSH HOWARD…

A bit of advice, Josh…STOP DOING ANYTHING!!!

Stop driving. Stop smoking. Stop filming things. Stop talking, thinking, doing, smelling, touching. Just stop. Everything you do turns in to news, and not in the good way.

I don’t know what happened to you. For years, we’ve been defending what a smart pick you were, how we we’re lucky you slipped to us and not the Spurs. We even defended your Chris Webber-esque timeout in the Finals a couple of years ago. And this….this is how you repay us.

Just this summer alone, you’ve told the world that you smoke dope, then got caught drag racing your car, and now you’re on YouTube telling everyone you don’t celebrate the National Anthem because you’re black.

Really?

Fine. Say what you want to say. I don’t doubt you believe what you said, but why don’t you think about what you’re saying and who you’re saying it in front of before you open your mouth?

You hold a four-year degree from one of the finer and more exclusive universities in the country, and you did it on a full scholarship. You skipped out on an opportunity to play in the Olympics because you had a clinic you were running for kids to help keep them out of the exact situations you’ve put yourself in this summer, and on top of all of that, you’re getting paid close to $8 million a year to do so.

I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be frustrated with the current state of affairs in our country, because everyone is.

All I’m saying is think, for two seconds, about how great you have it. While you were out being recorded on your friend’s iPhone (Editor’s note – There’s no fucking video recorder on the iPhone. We’re still not sure why. It’s retarded.) saying you don’t celebrate the national anthem at a Charity flag football game, the rest of the country worked. Or didn’t work, because they don’t have jobs.

And if that’s too hard for you to think about, if that’s too far below you, why don’t you think about your former teammate, DJ Mbenga? He escaped a war torn country, he escaped from a prison he shouldn’t have been in the Congo, made it to America, and played in the NBA right alongside you for several years. He’s doing it for a fraction of the money, and I bet he’s loving every bit of it.  He’s living the American Dream. He’s excited to even be able to make an attempt at the American Dream, because there is no Congoese dream.

Now, I’m no super-patriot or anything, but if you’re going to sit here and bitch about not celebrating the national Anthem, why don’t you man up and say it during one of your Vitamin Water ads?

There. I’m done. This month’s Mendoza line winner, Josh Howard, two-time winner, full time loser.

The Sports Bizzo Podcast 08.14.08

We interrupt the NFL previews for a BizzoCast.

Word up, Tom and Randy.

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The Sports Bizzo Podcast 07.17.08

Beer Pong Tourney Photos

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Hey Bizzo fans, it’s me, Toph. I haven’t seen Jon online all day so I’m doing his Mendoza Line for him. Frankly, because this deserves immediate attention. Ashley Harkleroad’s Playboy photos have finally surfaced, and they’re less than good. OK, so she’s an athlete chick and she’s naked, that alone makes it post worthy. However, the results weren’t what we were hoping for. Being a guy who has seen his fair share of naked chicks on tennis courts, this does less for me than a Billy Jean King shoot would do.

Frankly, I think this is sad, but I’ve seen what you dudes are searching for to get to our blog. With that said, I celebrate Ashley’s nakedness, but she’s still falling under the Mendoza Line.

I dig the Jesus fish, too.

This just in – Due to a new advertising partner agreement, the Biz has to take down the adult content. But, if you still want the goods, email us at TheSportsBizzo@gmail.com.

We wouldn’t let you go without!

Part I – By Jon…

In an apparent attempt to prove to his Chicago Bears employers he truly is a dual-threat running back, Cedric Benson has coupled his DWB (Drunk While Boating) arrest with a DUI arrest while in Downtown Austin last night.

According to ESPN.com, Benson was pulled over for running a red light, refused to submit to a breathalyzer or give blood samples to Austin Police. He maintains that neither arrest was valid and will fight both of them in court.

It’s good to see Cedric actually fighting for something, because God knows, he’s not fighting on the football field. He’s actually been in Bears mini-camps playing with the first team offense, but right on his heels is second round draft pick Matt Forte out of Tulane.

Really, Cedric? What are you doing in Austin? There’s a chance you could lose the starting job to a guy who played football at Tulane. Did you even know they had football at Tulane before they drafted him, because I sure as hell didn’t.

Why don’t you channel all of your efforts into having a decent football season, instead of trying to be drunk and operating machinery in every way imaginable? I just hope to hell you don’t own an airplane. At least you know you can’t be pulled over in the sky. No, you pretty much just fall out of the sky and die.

I should be cautious with my words, though. I still think Cedric, what with all the adversity, could use all of the off-field distractions to his advantage, to prove everyone wrong about him being a first round bust.

Or if nothing else, to prove that he’s better than some guy from Tulane.

And that my friends is why Cedric Benson must walk the Mendoza Line.

Part II – By Ted…

I’m deeply conflicted. As an Austinite I am a firm supporter of Longhorn football and its alumni, but as a Packers fan [insert joke at my expense here] I am sworn to despise the Chicago Bears, even when they waste a 1st round draft pick on a guy like Cedric Benson.

Cedric Benson failed a sobriety test… on a boat. My guess is he was standing still. Seriously how do you give a sobriety test on a boat; isn’t there a curve? I couldn’t pass one, really I’ve tried, I’m always too drunk. You cannot be on a boat for more than five minutes without a drink. Cause if you’re not drinking, you’re not really boating. You’re just standing in the same 15 sq. ft. surrounded by funny smelling water.

Let’s examine this further: reportedly the boat was parked in a cove. Wait, parked? Yes to what extent a boat can be parked, it was; suffice it to say they were not cruising down the lake at 20 knots (or whatever qualifies as reckless speeding on water). However, it was parked in… DEVIL’S COVE, muh-ah-ah. Apparently, in addition to being drunk and disorderly, Cedric Benson is also a pirate or a prohibition style rum-runner. Or perhaps he’s just a big fan of the Hardy Boy Mysteries.

At any rate, during a routine safety inspection the lake police- okay I’m sorry I’ve got to stop again. ‘Lake Police’? Worst Police Academy sequel ever.

They further harangued the star running back for not wearing a life preserver, which is the most over-glorified name possible for a day-glow orange floatee. Come on, ‘life preserver’? it doesn’t cure cancer, it just makes your fat ass more buoyant. And should you fall in to the water, it actually prevents you from needing to swim, a cardio-vascular exercise. It should be called a ‘heart-attack helper’ or a ‘death coozie’.

Then when he doesn’t comply, the lake police use pepper-spray. With this I’d like to point out that the attendance of this so called party boat included his mother. How wasted can you get with your mom on the boat? His father was also there, and he actually called 911, on the cops! Let’s just say that I am somewhat open to the possibility that there are more sides to this story. Either way, at least now Benson is no longer a threat to all the other drunken assholes out on the lake.

The Sports Bizzo Podcast 05.25.08

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Vince Young VS Matt Leinart

Young…

Leinart…

NBA All Toke Team

1st Team

PG – Steve Nash

SG – Tracy McGrady

SF – Josh Howard

PF – Joakim Noah

C – Chris “Birdman” Anderson

2nd Team

PG – Stephon Marbury, Baron Davis, Damon Stoudamire

SG – Stephen Jackson (Playing 2 guard for Tokesakes)

SF – Carmelo Anthony

PF – Rasheed Wallace, Darius Miles, Calvin Booth

C – Francisco Elson, Marcus Camby

Honorable Mention – Onterrio Smith

By Jon…

We here at The Mendoza Line have a few steadfast rules we follow in our weekly selection. And they are as follows:

1. Your last name must be Mendoza to make the final decision.
2. You must write for the The Bizzo.

Pretty much makes me the be all and end all. However…I am open to suggestions. And this week’s selection was just that.

At the behest of Toph, this week’s choice for the Mendoza Line….

Danica Patrick.

Whoa, whoa, relax D. Piddy. It might turn out to be a good thing. No need to charge at me like I’m Ryan Briscoe…

What’s that Danica? Of course, I’m lucky security stopped you. Uh-huh…would you at least hear me out?

You see, Danica, I’ve only been doing the Mendoza Line for two weeks, and every time I pick one, they do really kick-ass the following week. Lebron James scored 45 points after he read my article. Robert Horry made a big shot in Game 7 against the Hornets after I straight told him to his face (I was looking at his player card on ESPN.com) that he was old and washed up.

Think of the possibilities, Danica. After receiving notification from your people that I bestowed you with this most dubious of honors, you find me in a dark alley, or at least a dimly lit section of HEB, and you give me what’s coming to me. You’re all fired up going into next week, or month’s race (I have no idea how frequently they race) and you win a race…in America…where we can see it. (For all we know, the race you won in Japan could have been a MarioKart tournament.)

Or, or, or…how about this?

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. When The Biz becomes huge, here in about, 3-4 months, and we’re a multi-billion dollar institution, we’re gonna sponsor our very own IndyCar race. Here’s the catch, and you must keep this secret:

We’re gonna flip the race around backwards, so the whole race is made of, get this, right turns.

I know, I know, it’s crazy, but trust me, it’ll work.

Then, not only will you be the first woman to win multiple IndyCar races, you’ll be the first ever DRIVER, who just so happens to be a woman, to win the BIZackwards 500 sponsored by TheSportsBizzo.com.

Here’s to you Danica, the first recipient to cross the Mendoza Line.