The NFL schedules were released, and before I talk about the Mavs, I wanted to discuss it. Seems like the Cowboys were fucked again with this year’s schedule, and it’s gotta piss off somebody other than me.

Seems logical that Boys will open on the road at Washington. We have to travel to Washington to open the season? Really?

Not only are we opening at Washington, but we’re closing with consecutive roadies against the Cardinals (who knows how they’ll be without Warner) and, of course, Philly. Add that to road games against the Vikings, Packers and Colts, and I’m wondering who is coming into the great stadium. We’re really selling tickets to home games against the Lions, Jags and Chicago?

Not to mention that we’ll only have 4 days to prepare for the Thanksgiving game against the Saints. PS, we follow that game up with the Colts on the road. If I recall, both of these teams were in the Super Bowl. Thanks for giving them to us on a back to back (admittedly with our Turkey Day prep), NFL.

And, we couldn’t be happier to have the first bye week of the season. Makes sense, really, since we get to play the next 10 games against teams over .500 from last year (didn’t actually look it up, just guessed).

And, my final beef with the schedule, 4 prime time games with 1 Monday nighter. Wait a minute, we play the same amount of prime time games as the fucking 49ers? Really? And, they have 1 more Monday night game than us? Really? Is America excited about the 2nd Alex Smith era? Did I miss something? People in San Francisco aren’t excited about the 2nd Alex Smith era.

In conclusion, fuck you, schedule makers.

(Now back to your regularly scheduled NBA playoff coverage… or lack thereof.)

Wow… the day that was yesterday. Sure, thousands of people have covered it, but I couldn’t not write about it, could I?

MLB Opening Day, NCAA Championship, McNabb to the Skins, Tiger still talking and, well, what else could you possibly want?

Let’s see if I can’t play a little game of just the tip…

MLB Opening Day… What more could you ask for, really? Albert POO-holes (which would be the name of my fantasy baseball team) hits 2 homeruns, Rangers come back in the 9th with a walk off, Lincecum was amazing, Jason Heyward lived up to expectations with a homerun on his first at bat and Obama pulled out a White Sox hat to throw out the first pitch at the Phillies – Nationals game. All in all, you gotta be pretty excited about this baseball season.

McNabb to the Redskins… Is anyone else excited about this (assuming you also hate the Redskins and Eagles)? I think it’s a terrible decision for everyone. Let’s have a look. There’s no way that Kolb lives up to McNabb, it’s just not going to happen unless he wins the Super Bowl, plus he’ll be on such a tight leash with the tard Eagle fans. On the Skins side of things, it’s a complete shitshow. Aging quarterback, with no offensive line, handing off to aging running backs. Genius. A slow McNabb handing off to a slower Fast Willie Parker. Can football start next week, please?

I really don’t care to talk about Tiger.

And, last, and best, the NCAA Championship game. Sure, Duke won, and that sucks, but so much more happened. The final push by Butler at the end was so good, that I actually believed that shot was going to go in. As a sports pessimist, that just doesn’t happen for me. I always believe the shot will miss, the team I’m rooting for will lose and my heart will be broken. So, it was nice to actually think that shot had a chance to go in.

Of course, it didn’t go in, and my sports pessimism is still in tact.

By the way, we can do something to kill the one shining moment crap. I hate it every year.

And last-last but not least-least at all… WELCOME BACK JEETS!!!

I mean, we are a sports blog, and we’re supposed to write about sports, right? It really only seems logical that we’d talk about the Super Bowl. Who’s even playing this year? Oh, come on now, you don’t think I know who’s playing? I threw a party when the Saints beat the Favre’s. Sometimes, but pure accident, I call Diabla “Manning” in bed. Pretty sure this is going to be one of the most exciting Super Bowls we’ve seen in a long effin’ time.

The problem I’m having here is that I don’t care who wins. I mean, I do, but I actually like both of these teams. Like is a strong word, maybe respect is better. Do I want the Saints to win so that the city of New Orleans is somehow finally saved from Katrina? Yes. Do I want Manning to become the greatest QB to ever live, just so he might appear on Saturday Night Live again? Yes.

It’s a win win for everyone here. Plus, if the Colts do win, then we finally get to push Joe Montana aside, and say that Peyton Manning is hands down the best. The guy is throwing to Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie (and, some dude named Dallas). He has a nonexistent running game (trust me, I had Addai on my fantasy team), and really doesn’t have a head coach. That’s some impressive shit right there.

The Saints, on the other hand, have “all the components.” Amazing offense, decent defense, Kim Kardashian and great coaching. There is also that small the-whole-nation-besides-Indy-people-are-rooting-for-you thing. Can you beat a team when the entire free world is rooting against you? I just wish this wasn’t the Colts playing on Sunday. Wouldn’t it be a little more fitting if the Pats were playing against the Saints? How easy would it be to root against the Pats? The issue is that I just can’t root against either of these teams. If they were playing the Cowboys? Definitely.

But, shit, they’re both so likable. So what does the rest of us do? (Rest us being non-New Orleans/Indianapolis residents) Well, we eat a shitton of food, watch an amazing game and hope for a lot of cheerleader shots.

My useless prediction? Saints 24 – Colts 21 (The pride of Southlake and my fantasy draft, Garrett Hartley, wins it again for the Saints. Shortly after the Super Bowl he becomes the official spokesperson for Adderall.)

Dear Cowboys Nation… and those of you just tagging along for the ride,

The Best Team In Football is now out of the playoffs. It was a good run, but the Cowboys came up short in Minnesota and are now in “we’ll get ‘em next year” mode.
Actually, we’re still waiting for the Cowboys to get off the bus and get suited up to play the Vikings, because they never showed up at the game. I kind of hate to say this, but if you recall the Cowboys Update from training camp dated July 30, 2009, I said in my predictions, “ We finish 11 – 5, win one playoff game, celebrate, then get annihilated the next game. At least we get to beat the Raiders on Thanksgiving this year.” Sorry about that. It’s kinda scary when I’m that right.

In multiple trips inside Vikings territory in the first half, the Cowboys came away with 3 points. That fueled the frustration for the Cowboys, and created the momentum for the Vikings, and the game was essentially over before halftime. Flozell Adams apparently retired two years ago but forgot to tell anyone. The offensive line (and I mean offensive ) gave up six sacks, leaving Tony Romo dazed and confused for so long it’s not true. Just like last year’s season-ending performance against the E-girls, losing 44-6 and getting knocked out of the playoff picture, this season-ending drubbing by the Vikings should fuel the fire in the bellies of Cowboys Nation to right the wrong committed in Minnesota Sunday afternoon with next year’s scheduled game against these same foes.
Jared Allen, Vikings DE, celebrated the victory over the Cowboys by going home and fucking his favorite sheep; the one he calls She-Ra Warrior Princess, because she’s so strong, and yet so beautiful. Brett Favre was giddy with excitement after the game; not because they won, but because his battery-operated Sphincto-Glide butt plug (by Ronco) finally allowed him to take the big dump at halftime that he’d been waiting for over a week to pass…kinda like a football. Brad Childress, Vikings head coach, found out (again) that even though his team is winning playoff games, the only thing he can get a woman to press against him is charges.

The Jets were the only road team to win this weekend, making San Diego the only team with a first round bye “one and done”. Having just watched the Cowboy game, I was in no mood to celebrate, but it was fun to watch that whiny-ass punk Phillip Rivers lose. He’s the type of guy you just want to punch in the face… much like our old friend Jim Rivers. I wonder if they’re related.

I hope the Jets can keep it up and beat Indy on Sunday. The last thing I think I could possibly stand to see is a Peyton Manning – Brett Favre Super Bowl. Oh what a field day the press would have showering these two guys with Hall-of-Fame adulation for two weeks. This week, Joe is Manning and Favre. Kill Joe! Go Jets! Go Saints!

Depending on the circumstances/ news/ NFL highlights and lowlights, the Updates will be sporadic and more monthly than weekly until training camp in July. But, as always, keep fuckin’ that chicken, and…

GO COWBOYS!!!
Tim

Cowboys Nation,
The drought is over. Let it rain.
The last time the Cowboys won a playoff game, Annabel was two days old. We just celebrated her 13th birthday three weeks ago. It’s time to win some more.
Now that we have summarily dismissed and disposed of everyone’s little darlings, the E-girls, let’s get on with the real games. Why did the media insist that Philly was the favorite? Chris “Blowhard” Berman still can’t get over the fact that Dallas is better than the Iggles. Mike “I never played the game ‘cause I’m a skinny little Jewboy” Greenberg and his buddy, Mike Golic-yourself, both picked Philly, too. Even Keyshawn “Just throw me the Damn Ball” Johnson, a former Cowboy, picked Philly. Sad isn’t it? When the so-called “experts” don’t even see greatness when it slaps ‘em in the face?

Dallas dominated the E-girls in every phase of the game…again. Tony Romo went 23 of 34 for 244 yards and 2 TDs, and 0 ints, and significantly out-played Donna McFlabb (who is now rumored to be possibly heading to Denver). Felix Jones rushed for 148 yards on 16 carries, including a 73 yard TD run – the longest in Cowboys Playoff history. Dallas out-gained Philly 428 total yards to 340, and totaled 27 first downs to the Iggles 17 (all of which were by pass or penalty, none rushing). The Cowboys dominated the time of possession also, 39:34 to 20:26. The only big mistake was when Mike Jenkins, after intercepting a McFlabb pass, tried to lateral the ball and fumbled it back to the E-girls. Stupid.
De Marcus Ware had 2 sacks. And our favorite Number One Draft Pick Special Teams player Barbie Carpenter had 2 fumble recoveries!

E-girls WR DeSean Jackson had spent his time preparing for the game by Twittering about how he and his teammates were “gonna sting they asses” with big plays in the Playoff re-match. Suggestion: DeSean Jackson needs to DeShut Up, son!

This Sunday the Cowboys travel to Minnesota to play Brett Favre and his Vikings. They’ve had a really good season so far, going 12-4, but have limped into the Playoffs losing 3 of their last 5 games. They finished strong against She-li Manning and his merry band of Gay-ants, who had already packed their bags for the off-season, so it’s difficult to tell just how good the Vikings really are at this point of the year. Of the remaining Playoff teams, the Vikes are the “least favored” favorite, in that all the other home teams are at least 6.5 point favorites to win, and Minnesota is only favored over Dallas by 2. Good. I’m glad we’re the underdog. The Cowboys need to pass protect for Tony big time in this game; and they need to get after Favre in a big way. Stopping Adrian Peterson is a top priority for the defense, but they can’t let Favre beat them like a rented mule all day either. We have to run the ball well, and eliminate all the stupid penalties. This will be a tough game, in a tough place to play, but the Cowboys will win it. It’s time to take care of business, and Kill Joe!

The Cardinals held off the Packers in the No-Defense Bowl, and now are headed to New Orleans to play the Saints. That was the only first round playoff game I missed on. I knew the Ravens would beat the Boy Scout in New England. The Jets proved me right against Cincinnati. Now let’s see what those two teams heavily weighted on their running game and defense can do against the two high-powered offensive teams of the Colts and Chargers, respectively. RB, I’m pullin’ for your Jets, but they’re gonna have to play mistake-free to beat San Diego… who is beatable BTW. The last thing you want with an 11-game winning streak is a week off. Keep f’n that chicken.

Prediction: Cowboys 33 – Minnesota 24
I’m giving a lot of offensive credit to an aging Favre, but I honestly think the Cowboys defense can hold them to 17 or under. The only way they reach 24 points is off of defense and special teams. Tony will light up their secondary.

We need this one.
Go Cowboys!
Tim

Cowboys Nation,

Did anyone have any doubt who the NFC East Champions would be this season? Oh, yes. I’m sure there are some of those lonely few Cowboy-Haters out there in their own little fantasy land that thought some other team would take the East, but that bubble has now been burst. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and thank God that I’m not a Redskin fan. (or a Giants fan / Eagles fan, for that matter…what a pitiful existence that must be.)
The Dallas Cowboys have won the NFC East for the second time in the last three years, this time in convincing fashion by shutting out two division rivals in consecutive weeks. Blanking the E-girls in the regular season finale was, I must admit, surprising…but oh so sweet. Few things are better than shutting out the E-girls, and shutting up their fans. It was better than watching Gretchen Carlson get power fucked on YouTube.

This was the first time in Cowboys history that they have had back to back shutouts. This was the first shutout of the E-girls by anyone since 1998. This will be the first time in NFL history that six teams (three pairs) that played each other in the season finale will also meet the next week in the playoffs: Jets –Bengals, Packers – Cardinals, and Cowboys – E-girls. No team is playing better football right now than Dallas. Nobody wants to play the Cowboys right now.

Tony Romo had another good day, going 24 of 34 for 311 yards and 2 TDs, with one int off a tipped ball in the red zone. That equals one big Toph Miller Romo-boner, and subsequent week-long high. Dallas had the total yards advantage over Philly 474 to 228. The Cowboys had 291 total yards at halftime. Felix and MB3 each had 91 yards rushing. The E-girls had 37 yards rushing on 10 carries. The Dallas D held Philly’s dangerous receivers, Jackson and Maclin, to three catches each, none of which for over 20 yards, eliminating the big plays.
Eagles’ spokesman, Dick Cumstain, said after the game in a prepared statement, “We need to get Michael Vick more involved in the offense – it’s time to let the dogs out.”
The E-girls ran one offensive play in the red zone all day; a fumbled snap recovered by Ratliff. It was a good day. Now we just have to go back, Jack, do it again, and ram that steely dan right up their ass. Again. Kill Joe!

BCS Update: So far most of the College Bowl games have been fairly boring, sloppy, defensive battles. Look for a relatively low-scoring BCS Championship game also, but Texas always keeps it exciting to the end, don’t they?
Texas 22 – Alabama 19

Playoff predictions:
Jets over Bengals
Packers over Cards
Ravens over Patriots
Cowboys 23 – E-girls 13.
We can’t expect three shutouts in a row, but it would be nice to see.

Cowboys beat Vikings in Divisional Round
Green Bay beats New Orleans
Cowboys beat Packers in NFC Championship game held at the Jones Mahal.
Cowboys beat San Diego for their 6th Super Bowl Championship.
All is right with the world. Keep f’n that chicken.

Go Cowboys!
Tim

By Toph…

Sorry for the extended vacation, but I had to go home to the promise land, you know. It was kind of sad seeing Texas Stadium in ruins, but what can you do?

So many wonderful things have happened since I last updated the Bizzo. Mainly, the Cowboys are in the mother fucking playoffs. The last time we checked in the Cowboys had just beat the Saints, in what was an unprecedented win. Even Dr. Tim was going nuts about it, and he’s predicted the Boys to go undefeated this year.

The Curse of December? Never heard of it…

The Cows owned the Redskins, getting their first shutout in some time. The game was, OK, but the Defense was stellar. We also, finally, saw Nick Folk get the boot, and our old frenemy, Shaun Suisham return to the Metroplex. Good thing he’s only missed one field goal since returning to Dallas. Ugh.

I was back at The Final Final with Ryan for the last game against of the season against the Eagles on Sunday. This may have been the first time in the history of the Final Final that there were only 2 groups of fans watching the games. Cowboys fans and Eagles fans. Thank God the Eagles fans were all just a bunch of cougars who wanted to wrangle us, instead of… mangle us.

I don’t think we really grasped that we shut the Eagles out till our celebratory beer. Pretty sure the Cows couldn’t have played any better (well, the tipped ball INT in the Red Zone sucked balls), and now they’ve set up a chance to play the Eagles back in Cowboys Stadium in Saturday night prime time.

Beating a team three times in one season is rough, beating the Eagles three times in one season would be fucking ridiculous.

Can the Cowboys do it? Of course they can… if not, I will cut off my Romoboner.

And now… my Random Wildcard Weekend Playoff Predictions.

Bengals over Jets; Cowboys over Eagles; Patriots over Ravens; Packers over Cardinals

Doug, I’d say you were a lucky SOB, but you didn’t actually get to meet Melissa Rycroft, so you’re not.

But… Merry Christmas from Toph, Jon, Christian and the rest of The Sports Bizzo contributors.

(Editor’s Note: I got my first ever shoutout in the Dr. Tim Cowboys update… um… awesome.)

Cowboys Nation,

It wasn’t as high scoring as I anticipated, and our kicker still sucks for air while his head remains firmly embedded in his ass, but beating the previously undefeated Saints in the Superdome on Saturday night was glorious. It was awesome. I guess I should have predicted a lower scoring output for the Saints, giving more credit to our defense who gave up their season average of only 17 points, and in doing so saved our kicker’s ass. How does he miss a 24 yard field goal? The defense held the high-powered Saints offense to three points heading into the fourth quarter and held on to the lead with DeMarcus Ware coming up huge in the end; forcing a fumble while sacking Brees in the final seconds of the game.
(I understand that JJ brought in another shitty kicker that has already done one tour of duty with the Cowboys and had just gotten fired by Danny-boy Snyder of the Redskins for missing a game-clinching kick against New Orleans two weeks ago, Shaun Suisham. Oh boy, we’re excited now. How ironic that Suisham’s first game back in the NFL is against the Redskins in Washington.)

Tony had another great night, going 22 of 34 for 312 yards and one TD, and I don’t know who had the bigger Romo-boner, Jerry Jones or Toph Miller. MB3 had 62 yards on 17 carries and 2 TDs. Austin had 139 yards and a TD on just 7 catches, and continues to outshine the “number one receiver” Roy Williams. We need to keep up this kind of intensity, execution, and balance through the next two games against divisional opponents, and into the playoffs. If the Dallas Cowboys play like they did on Saturday night in New Orleans for the rest of the season, then they will win the Super Bowl. You heard it here first, folks.

Prediction: Cowboys 31 – Foreskins 13
The Gay-ants just tongue-wiped Washington’s ass Monday night; primary asslicker She-li Manning savoring the moment. The Cowboys will continue the beatings until Jim Zorn’s mother begs for it to stop. Kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!
Merry Christmas!
Tim

(Editor’s Note: I fucking love when cheerleaders wear the Santa outfits… It’s ridicuhot)

By Toph…

I just… it’s that… well… I mean… they didn’t… cause they did… how did they… who were… they… and… um… they beat the Saints?

THEY BEAT THE SAINTS!

I’m still beside myself over the Cowboys acting like a team with something to prove and beating the Saints in a hostile road environment. It’s just… fuck… I don’t even know what to say. After the first quarter, they didn’t look great, but man, they did what they needed to (and even managed to overcome the mental breakdowns).

Let’s go through the good and the bads…

The Goods…

1. Romo, Romo, Romo. I’m naming my first born after this man. He’s done nothing but be amazing. Thank you, Candice Crawford.

2. Miles Austin has been so good it’s ridiculous. I’m almost scared for the Cowboys to extend his contract, because there’s no way he gets better. How does this sound, Romo Miles Miller?

3. D. Ware is the greatest Cowboy since Bob “Mr. Cowboy” Lilly. I just could never, ever see Ware playing for someone else. If this ever happens, I may just give up on football altogether.

The Bad…

1a. Roy Williams. See, I talked about this when I examined the Cowboys and the Secret. O. Roy (as called by our long lost friend, Jon) complains and doesn’t let his play back him up. At least with TO his on the field play backed up his madness. With O. Roy, we get nothing on field or off.

1b. Nick Fucking Folk would miss the ocean if he were kicking off a boat. I’m shocked he wasn’t left in New Orleans. Did you see the film of Folk kicking before the game? There was absolutely no chance he was making that field goal in the 4th quarter.

2. Wade Phillips, man, I’m sorry, but despite winning, there’s no chance you’ll be around next year.

3. Flozell Adams continually disappoints me. How is it physically possible for a guy like him to fuck up so much? It doesn’t make sense!!

4. Me… sorry, I haven’t talked about anything but Cowboys for the past like 4 weeks… You would have no idea that I watch NBA basketball every day, huh? Or that I recorded the UNC – UT game, and watched that all the way through. Or I almost always watch hockey if it’s on, even though I really don’t like hockey. It’s just that… Hockey looks so good on HD. Amazing how much sports I watch that I don’t ever talk about. I think I’m going to start writing on Twitter.com/TheSportsBizzo more often.

Anyways… it’s not over yet. Cowboys have a lot of season left to play. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s must wins against the Redskins and Eagles. Shits gonna get real interesting, real quick.