The Sports Bizzo Podcast 02.28.10

You’re going to need a lot links to keep up with this podcast…

You’re gonna need to know about Aziz Ansari

Especially, the CVS clip

You should definitely watch Huey Lewis’ videos – HERE

As well as the Wreckx-N-Effect “Rumpshaker” video…

And… the greatest video in the world… There’s a comment that says, “now is the time to fuk her”… we cannot stop laughing at this… So, here’s the genius video “Open to any college” video.

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Doug, I’d say you were a lucky SOB, but you didn’t actually get to meet Melissa Rycroft, so you’re not.

But… Merry Christmas from Toph, Jon, Christian and the rest of The Sports Bizzo contributors.

By Jon…

I should have written this last night, but I didn’t. It was freezing outside, no one was coming into work, and I had lots of time to think. The crossword puzzle I was working on was done with me, unwilling to budge, thwarting my search for simple answers to abstract ideas. Then the allergies took hold. I felt like ripping my nose off my face. Then my stomach turned on me, and I was done. I wanted nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed. I finally got off work around 5:30 this morning, determined to plow through an article about something sports related to appease my very understanding editor, and then try to sleep off the sickness.

But I didn’t. I didn’t write the article. Instead I ate my breakfast and distracted myself with a brilliant, old game I remember from my formative years. The game’s called The Incredible Machine. The goal is to build Rune Goldberg machines to accomplish a simple task. Think Pee Wee Herman’s alarm clock/breakfast maker contraption from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. I spent about an hour playing while Sportscenter was on the TV.

The TV was muted. It’s always muted these days. Especially during the early morning Sportscenter. Is it just me or is the new Sportscenter Live show in the morning the worst?

I think insufferable is the word I’m looking for, but I can’t be sure.

Sportscenter Live is counter to everything Sportscenter has been about since I was a kid. Witty dialogue, highlights, and more highlights. The live show has half the highlights, a quarter of the witty dialogue and all of the fluff of Good Morning America. It pains me to listen to Sage Steele plow through highlight segments with the aplomb of the “Boom goes the dynamite” kid on a good day. No jokes, no flashy quips, just bumbling through whatever the teleprompter tells her.

Here’s what I’m getting at ESPN: I like the idea of a live Sportscenter. In fact, I was really into the idea when I first heard about it. I thought it would increase the interplay between the anchors, resulting in informative, and equally hilarious highlight segments. But on the mornings when you trot out Sage Steele, Hannah Storm and Josh Elliot as your starting lineup, well, by God, ESPN, I just wanna shoot myself.

Instead I mute the TV and watch my highlights in silence, which sucks for any number of reasons. I’m still watching it, which contributes to your ratings, which makes you more ad revenue, which makes your people upstairs think they must be doing something right, which means they keep trotting out Steele/Storm/Elliot every morning.

Da da da da da Dumb…

By Toph…

Wow, there’s a lot going on in sports, and as much as I’d like to write about it all separately, I don’t have time. Truth is, I barely have time to do anything besides work and make love. But, you’re important to me Bizzos… So, I’m here for you.

Let’s start with baseball, since it’s not in season or relevant right now. Joe Torre is ripping the Yankees? Really? The team that made him who he is? Good for you Joe. You know what’s cool? Not giving the Yankees complete credit for sticking with you. I mean, you only had the best talent every year. This is like being the nerd in high school, dating the head cheerleader, then breaking up with her once you become popular. Only, you write a book about how her vag smells like sweaty chode. You ungrateful bastard.

Speaking of the Yankees (and Braves?), apparently David Justice did steroids. This is impressive to me. David Justice, the biggest vagina in sports did steroids. Wasn’t his fucking house burned down by Left Eye or T-Boz? Good for you, David Justice. How many headlines are going to read, “David Un-Justice?”

Really, Joe Torre, and you’re going to talk about how no one liked A-Rod? Shocking.

The Rangers are already 20 games out of first place, and Spring Training hasn’t even begun. But, hey, look on the bright side, Rangers Fan, we might get Ben Sheets. Millwood, Padilla and Sheets. Get ready! And, yes, fan is singular for a reason.

On Saturday I woke up early to watch the Mavs get pwned by the Celtics. (I’ve decided to start using pwned. Am I too late on this? It’s not like I’m w00t!ing or anything.) By halftime, Mavs down damn near 30, I went back to bed and cried myself back to sleep. I have no faith in this team. Seeing Gerald Green in a suit made me think, “Fuck, Gerald Green IS a Mav.” What happened to this team? I think it’s time to send Cuban an email asking him, for all of our sanity, to fix it. I’m more depressed about the Mavs than the economy.

Did you hear TO is getting his own reality show on VH1? It’s definitely the right step in the Cowboys character cleansing. I’m not gonna lie, I’m really hoping to see him show up on the BangBros set again. Yep, next year is looking promising, Boys.

Super Bowl is this weekend, and I’ve officially seen no coverage. Who can watch Super Bowl coverage of a team that’s about to have more trophies than the Cowboys? OK, and when The CW keeps churning out television gold. Oh, I’m the only one watching Privileged? It’s my wife’s fault…

I’m such a little bitch. I feel like Dallas Sports fans are currently the most downtrodden fans in the nation. Yeah, eff you, Seattle. We expect to win, and it’s not happening. We expect winners, and the fucking Arizona Cardinals are in the Super Bowl. The Stars are finally out of last place, the Mavs make me want to kill myself and the Rangers, well, there was an entire Uni Watch devoted the damn Rangers.

What have we done to deserve this?

Never mind, maybe you shouldn’t answer that.

By Toph…

(Editor’s note: Of course, 2 days later all Dallas teams win… hummm…)

I’ve been asking this quietly (and on Twitter) for some time now, so I’ll finally bring it up in an article. The question: Can you remember a time when so many Dallas teams were so bad? I mean, right now, every team is bad. All of them. The Rangers were awful (despite having an amazing offense… again), the Stars are at the bottom of the Pacific with a record of 5-7-3 (this was a team that was a series away from the Cup last year), the Mavs are at the bottom of the Southwest and are tied with the Spurs at 2-7, and lastly, the Cowboys are at on the brink of being the worst in the East after being the proclaimed this year’s preseason Super Bowl winners (granted they’re tied with the Eagles at 5-4 and are getting back to healthy, but still).

I gotta be honest, I’m fuckin’ beside myself right now. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly when the problems started for my hometown, and I think it all points to the Mavs meltdown in the Finals against the Heat. Everything in Dallas was on the up and up at that point, and then came the 2006 NBA Finals. The Mavs were well on their way to winning an NBA Championship. They won the first two games, then, the whole city of Dallas came apart. The Mavs lost, and the rest of the city would become eventual losers. Maybe it was the fact that my unofficial mom, Mayor Laura Miller of Dallas, started planning the parade route. Maybe it was all the poor decisions that followed that lead to this sudden win drought. Of course, since then, a dramatic, record-breaking first round exit against the Warriors, a Jason Kidd trade, another first round exit and, of course, this year’s record which has been mentioned. Not so good for the Mavs, is it?

2006 wasn’t just the year the Mavs decided to collapse in the Finals. It was also the year we were introduced to Tony Romo. OK, so we weren’t introduced to him as a person, no, we knew we wanted Romo for quite sometime, but it was the year he became our starter. When you have a quarterback like Romo, you tend to forget all bad things quickly, but you shouldn’t. You should remember that he came up short against the Seahawks. He couldn’t get it done against the Giants, either. And now, this year due to the injury, and despite what Jerry Jones says, the Cowboys could be missing the playoffs. None of this needs to be overlooked, because all of it results in the same thing – not winning.

No, it doesn’t stop there, does it? The Dallas Stars entered the playoffs in 2006 as a 6 seed, but looking very promising. Adding Eric Lindros to the team (remember that?), the Stars made it to the playoffs, again, only to be knocked out by the Canucks. The next year, you started believing that this team would be different. You actually believed they could get to the Stanly Cup Finals. The only problem was that the Red Wings were a far superior team. This year? Well, bottom of the division, and they’re looking really, really old. Are we starting to see a trend here?

If there is a trend, which was “old” by the way, then the Rangers are the exact opposite. This young, upstart team has a problem… you guessed it… on the mound. Well, get right out of town, the Rangers have pitching problems. An amazing offense, that just can’t get it done, because of the lack of pitching. Of course, this year CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Derek Lowe are available free agents, but I’m almost willing to put money on the Rangers not signing anyone. All of this with Nolan Ryan in the front office. It’s sad, because the Rangers offense is that good, as is the story of some of the players. Although, if I hear another story about Josh Hamilton I’ll… I’ll… well, I’ll probably sob like a little girl again. Still, it’s looking like more of the same next year for the Rangers, which I don’t think my Dad can handle. Seriously, all this losing will put him in an early grave, and I don’t want to see that.

Again, can you tell me another stretch when all Dallas teams have been this bad at the same time? Sure, you had the Mavs in the 80′s and early 90′s, the Cowboys in the late 90′s and early 00′s, the Stars after ’99 and the Rangers… always, but never all at one time, right? Was I just too young to realize when it was happening? You tell me, cause I can’t seem to sort it out.

But, I will say this – Fear not Dallasites. I’m now in San Francisco. Look at this: The Raiders and Niners are scraping the bottom of the barrel and have both fired their coaches, the Warriors traded away their best player in Baron Davis and their future is hurt from a moped accident, the Giants and A’s suck and the Sharks… well… the Sharks are amazing. But, come on, they have 6 damn teams to choose from. That’s not fair at all, is it?

By Toph…

Well, it’s officially happened. Romo has ruined my life. Not only has he turned my 2 of my favorite things into complete shit. My fantasy team is done, and it’s his fault. Final Final blows and it’s his fault.

A Rams fan (who’s at Final Final every week) bought Ryan and I drinks on Sunday because he felt bad for us. Let me repeat that: He felt bad for us. Us. Cowboys fans. A Rams fan felt bad for us. So he bought us drinks. At what point does this start being funny?

I just couldn’t believe what I was watching on Sunday. When the second interception happened, I just started laughing. It wasn’t a pretty sight. I really thought I my insides were going to explode. I’m trying to figure out the movie character I was slowly becoming. It was like, I was mad, real mad. Then, that anger slowly became a calm, collected state. I just watched in awe. Lastly, I started laughing uncontrollably. It was a little sadistic.  But, I really can’t make any sense of any of this. This was your Super Bowl team. Now? There’s no quarterback, the electric rookie running back is injured, the shutdown corner is injured, the hard-hitting safety is done for the year, the changed life corner is suspended again and the new receiver who came home didn’t have a single catch. Could things be any worse for the Cowboys right now? Oh, right, Brad Johnson is the QB.

Wow, Brad Johnson was really terrible. Some of his throws, when he actually had time to throw, weren’t even remotely close. He overthrew T.O. by 10 ft. on one play and Roy Williams by 20 on another. I really wondered if Patrick Crayton could have done a better job as QB yesterday. Hell, I wondered if I could have done a better job at QB yesterday.

Oh, by the way, I’m not writing this a person who looks at the entire NFC East today. No, I’m writing this as a person from Dallas – a person who is hurting.

I’ve talked about this before, but I must reiterate this to my fellow Texans.

The Stars have only managed 1 win so far, and the Mavs season looks terribly bleak. I’m actually looking forward to the Rangers next year. The fucking World Series hasn’t been played and I’m looking forward to the Rangers. I’ve never looked forward to the goddamned Rangers. I HATE MY LIFE!!! I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

OK, it’s not over yet. Something could happen. Romo could come back this week, and be OK. Wade Phillips could suddenly grab a clue. Mark Cuban could make a trade and wake the old guys up. Dirk could go into I’m-doing-it-my-fucking-self mode and kill everyone on the court. Turco could learn how to stop a puck. The Stars could actually stop someone. The Rangers could get solid pitching in the offseason. These things could happen, Dallasites. I’m serious. It’s not over, yet. Just ask the people of New England. It could be worse.

Who am I kidding… GO LONGHORNS! (and Longhorns only)

The Sports Bizzo Podcast 10.09.08

(Editor’s Note: Toph and Jon strongly support chicks who take photos showing their undies above their uglier, passed out, drunk friend’s head. TEXAS FIGHT!)

This week Toph and Jon discuss the fall of the Cowboys, the rise of Hockey, their fantasy teams and Jon’s celebrity encounter with Jimmy Kimmel.

As usual…

Email The Bizzo at TheSportsBizzo@gmail.com

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Download The Bizzo podcast on iTunes – HERE (Write a review!)

By Toph…

I’ve decided that this is the year I become a hockey fan. I’ve always been a decent hockey spectator, but not really a fan. What I mean by that is when the Stars are in the playoffs, I watch the games and cheer for them. I’m sure there’s a sport you feel that way about, right? Most likely, it’s probably hockey, too.

But, last year, as the Stars made their way through the Western Conference playoffs, something happened to me. Maybe it was the thrill of seeing them beat a Bay Area team, coupled with watching it on HD. I don’t know. Maybe it was also the fact that my boss is a huge Red Wings fan. Again, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because of hockey moms like Sarah Palin. OK, I know that’s not why. What I do know is this is the year I consider myself a hockey fan.

You should, too, and here’s why:

1. The Mavs will rip your heart out and piss on it.
I can’t stress this enough, unless Mark Cuban decides to pull off a miracle trade, like Kidd and J-Ho for Kobe or Kidd and J-Ho to reunite Dirk and Nash, it’s not going to happen this year. They’ll be OK, and I’ll watch them, but I won’t be excited or thrilled. It’s like when the Cowboys were terrible. I watched, but I wasn’t excited about it. I don’t smile during the games. I don’t pump my fists. With hockey, I’ll pump my fists. I’ll celebrate, and you will too.

2. Oh, you’re probably not a Mavs fan.
That’s OK, because unless you’re in Portland, LA or Boston, you’re thinking the same thing I am. Let’s give the NBA some time to catch up. I’m not saying the thrill is gone, because I still love the NBA, but I need a longer break. Maybe it’s the Olympics fault or something. Preseason NBA just started, and I didn’t care. Did you? Did you get boners thinking about it? I’m sure you didn’t.

3. Fighting is cool.
It really is, and I forgot that until the Melee at Auburn Hills. In hockey fighting is not only acceptable, it’s encouraged. Not only that, but hand checking is the least of the offenses worry. Do you remember the outcry when Stackhouse took Shaq down in the NBA Finals?  Here’s the video to jog your memory. In hockey, this hit happens every 30 seconds.

4. Sidney Crosby is a badass.
The guy is like 7, and he’s killing it. The kid has already won a Hart Trophy, and unless #5 is as good as last year, he should get his second.

5. Alexander Ovechkin is a badass.
He’s like 10, and he’s killing it. He is last year’s Hart Trophy winner. He and Crosby are the new Kobe and LeBron. These guys are amazing to watch, and will be for a long time. It really must be nice to have a 2 studs ruling your league that people actually like. I’m talking about you, Kobe.

6. NHL 09 for PS3 and XBOX 360.
OK, admittedly I haven’t played it, mainly because I don’t own a PS3 or XBox, but all I hear is that the game is phenomenal. Games make the sport awesome, if they’re done right. Example: Madden is amazing, and so is football. Baseball games kind blows, and the MLB kind of blows. See? It makes sense.

7. There are about 6 teams who could win The Cup.
The Stars, Red Wings, Sharks, Penguins, Rangers and Canadiens are really badass. More importantly, you can afford tickets to all of their games. The NHL needs you to come to the games. The NBA hates you.

8. They’re hanging banners in Hockey Town tonight.
Find me a scarier place to play in sports. These guys ooze excellence. 4 Stanley Cups in 11 years on a night when they play the Original Six championship? And, they added Marian Hossa to defend the Cup. Plus, everyone wants to kick their ass for being the Yankees of hockey.

9. Ice Girls, the cheerleaders of the ice.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but Ice Girls are hot. Especially, the Dallas Stars Ice Girls. Is there any reason for them? You mean besides looking awesome in tight clothing, right? Stop asking gay questions.

10. From Christian – It’s the only sport where Canadians are utterly dominant. Their beer is stronger, being topless is not only legal, it’s encouraged. They have mounted police, and the “canadian tuxedo” is made strictly of jeans.

11. Because The Bizzo is going to write about it.
It’s true, we are. We’re going to write about it, and you don’t want to be left out in the dark do you? The Biz is on the hockey bandwagon this year, and you should join us. It’s going to be awesome. The new Bizzo manta… ModanoBoners!

The Sports Bizzo Podcast 09.25.08

This week the guys welcome fellow Bizzoer, Christian, as they discuss the MLB, bobcat pelt, Quinnipiac, chicks from Maryland, and Fantasy Football.

Our only link this week is for Dolph Lundgren – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolph_Lundgren

Of course…

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]]> http://thesportsbizzo.com/2008/09/the-sports-bizzo-podcast-092508/feed/ 5 http://thesportsbizzo.com/2008/09/cowboys-the-best-in-nfl/ http://thesportsbizzo.com/2008/09/cowboys-the-best-in-nfl/#comments Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:01:36 +0000 Toph http://thesportsbizzo.com/?p=498 ]]>

By Toph…

I try to do my best to not beat you guys (and gals) over the head with Cowboys talk. Believe me, we do enough of that in the podcast. But, I do cover the NFC East, and the Cowboys are tops in the division. Well, they’re not alone, are they? No, the Giants are sitting right there with them. Granted, the Giants wins have come against less than stellar teams (Washington, St. Louis, Cincinnati), they’re still rolling out the same records. But, all this week we’ve seen sexy articles about the Cowboys being the team to beat in the NFL. The best of the bunch with everyone else clamoring to top them. But, really, who cares?

What does that mean in week 4? Really, it means nothing. As we head into week 4 in the NFL, and the Cowboys have been amazing. A lot can change, and it most likely will. Granted, as a fan, it’s nice to see the Boys on top of the NFL again, but it scares the shit out of me. As a writer? Well, bring on the Super Bowl.

In other exciting news, my favorite match up (well, besides Cowboys – Eagles, Cowboys – Giants and Cowboys – Steelers) happens this week when the Redskins travel to Dallas. I’m interested to see how many times Romo will fumble and how many endzone picks he’ll throw. Why would they hand the ball to Marion Barber on a 1st and goal? Nope, let’s allow Romo to try and throw it. It’s all fun and games till someone loses a game. In the long run, that ends up hurting my fantasy team. I mean, the Cowboys……

The Redskins aren’t as bad as everyone thinks. They have a chance to push the Cowboys, and make this a close game. If they can, then they have a solid shot of winning this game. We’ve yet to see the Cowboys in the real pressure situation, and, for the sake of viewing, I hope they do keep it close. It makes Final Final a lot more fun.

When was the last time you saw 3 NFC East teams on top of the Power Rankings? There’s a very real possibility that the Cowboys, Giants and Eagles can all go undefeated these next 3 games playing teams like the Cardinals, the Niners and the Browns. Here’s to the best division in football…

On a completely unrelated note – It took this long to fire Matt Millen? I’ll never understand how that kind of thing doesn’t work like the real world. If I showed up to work every day, and invested in ideas like Charles Rodgers and Joey Harrington, wouldn’t I be fired? How does this kind of stuff happen?

Lastly, as I wrap up my stream of conciousness NFC East musings, how is it I can now write 427 words with ease? In high school I dreaded even writing 20 words. If I could go back now and do it again I could have made something of myself. OK, probably not. Have you seen the girls in high school? I mean, just look at the photos I provide for you. Sweet Justice!