By Toph…

By now you’ve heard that Plaxico Burress has been suspend for the year, and that other suspensions could be coming for the dudes that were with him that night he shot himself in the leg, right? You can always count on the Bizzo to bring you late breaking news, right? OK, so that’s not why the Bizzo was created, but it was created so we could discuss these important sports headlines.

So, let’s discuss.

Plaxico shot himself in the leg at the club. How does this make sense? First of all, how do you even shoot yourself in the leg these days? Was his safety not on? What was his gun even doing in the front? Don’t you gotta keep your piece in the back, or in a cool holster of sorts? I still can’t make sense of the fact that the dude shot himself in the leg at the club. I mean did he mistake his penis for his gun? What the hell!? Why is no one talking about this? Or, have they talked about it, and I just didn’t read it?

How many questions have I asked so far?

What happens now? Well, lots of things. Plaxico is done for the season, and the playoffs (even though everyone has been real shady when discussing him being gone for the playoffs). Either the Giants will rally around this, like they did when Tiki Barber, Osi YumYumuri and Michael Strahan left, or they will totally collapse. I am really hoping they collapse.

Think about it - The Cowboys, who were in complete disarray, come back to make it the Super Bowl because Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg. The same team that has TO, Pacman and Tank would be the giving the ultimate Go-Fuck-Yourself to the team that knocked them out of the playoffs last year. I love the possibility of this. Next year you could have TO, O-Roy and Plaxico on the same team. Of course the Cowboys would pick him up. 1. It says eff-you to the Giants, and 2. Michael Irvin could rehabilitate him. Tell me you wouldn’t be glued to Hard Knocks, and staying the hell away from Baby Dolls if that happened.

On a side note, it’s always been a small dream of mine to write for a newspaper or an ESPN, but I don’t think I could. Without openly writing things like “ultimate Go-Fuck-Yourself” every day, I’d get bored. Maybe I’d need another alter ego - Christopher in business, Toph online and Pher in print.

(And tell me you wouldn’t root for the Giants if that chick up there was your lady.)

We’ll see you guys next week. In the meantime.. Happy Thanksgiving and Go Cowboys!

Toph and Jon are back with a new podcast! This week they discuss the rise of the Cowboys, welcome back Pacman, fantasy football, the BCS and college football, the NBA and some other fun shit.

As usual…

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By Toph…

I woke up this morning thinking, “Man… that’s just my normal morning pee boner. There’s nothing special about you.” So, like every other morning, I practically did a handstand to pee. As I was showering, and getting ready for what’s turned out to be a busy Friday at work, my bone was still firmly in place. “What the shit,” I questioned myself. Generally, when you have a 4 hour erection, you should consult your doctor. So, I consulted my doctor. They asked me a series of questions on the phone:

1. Had you taken an ED pills in the last 8 hours?

- No.

2. Have you not made sweet love in some time?

- Well… not since last night, which is a long time. But, that can’t be it.

3. Has a quarterback that you have Jeets-like gay tendencies for returned to make a push for the playoffs?

- Son of a bitch, he has!! ROMOBONERS are back!!!!

Last week, I was rolling with a Romosemi, because I didn’t want to be too overly excited about his return, despite ever NBC commercial proclaming, “ROMO. IS. BACK.” Well, Romo was back last time the Cowboys and Redskins played, and look what happened there.

Not that it was by any means a pretty game. Sure, it wasn’t Brad Johnson ugly, but it was still pretty ugly. Everyone knows that without Marion Barber the Cowboys would not have won that game. But, here’s what we did see, and this is where it starts crossing over the man-love border, we saw Romo smile. Ugh, I hated typing that, but it’s true, damnit. Romo looked happy to be playing again, and I think that was missing after the Packers game. It started becoming routine, and I think that hurt this team. They rely on Romo’s energy and improvisation on the field. Without him they had no life, and neither did he on the sidelines. I think that’s going to help. Now, they’re playing with their backs against the wall. Lose, and they could miss out on the playoffs. They have what should be an easy two weeks in front of them at home against the Niners and Thanksgiving against the Seahawks. After that, it’s going to get good, even with 4 of the next 6 coming at home.

It’s nice to be sporting a Romoboner again, isn’t it?

By Toph…

(Editor’s note: Of course, 2 days later all Dallas teams win… hummm…)

I’ve been asking this quietly (and on Twitter) for some time now, so I’ll finally bring it up in an article. The question: Can you remember a time when so many Dallas teams were so bad? I mean, right now, every team is bad. All of them. The Rangers were awful (despite having an amazing offense… again), the Stars are at the bottom of the Pacific with a record of 5-7-3 (this was a team that was a series away from the Cup last year), the Mavs are at the bottom of the Southwest and are tied with the Spurs at 2-7, and lastly, the Cowboys are at on the brink of being the worst in the East after being the proclaimed this year’s preseason Super Bowl winners (granted they’re tied with the Eagles at 5-4 and are getting back to healthy, but still).

I gotta be honest, I’m fuckin’ beside myself right now. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly when the problems started for my hometown, and I think it all points to the Mavs meltdown in the Finals against the Heat. Everything in Dallas was on the up and up at that point, and then came the 2006 NBA Finals. The Mavs were well on their way to winning an NBA Championship. They won the first two games, then, the whole city of Dallas came apart. The Mavs lost, and the rest of the city would become eventual losers. Maybe it was the fact that my unofficial mom, Mayor Laura Miller of Dallas, started planning the parade route. Maybe it was all the poor decisions that followed that lead to this sudden win drought. Of course, since then, a dramatic, record-breaking first round exit against the Warriors, a Jason Kidd trade, another first round exit and, of course, this year’s record which has been mentioned. Not so good for the Mavs, is it?

2006 wasn’t just the year the Mavs decided to collapse in the Finals. It was also the year we were introduced to Tony Romo. OK, so we weren’t introduced to him as a person, no, we knew we wanted Romo for quite sometime, but it was the year he became our starter. When you have a quarterback like Romo, you tend to forget all bad things quickly, but you shouldn’t. You should remember that he came up short against the Seahawks. He couldn’t get it done against the Giants, either. And now, this year due to the injury, and despite what Jerry Jones says, the Cowboys could be missing the playoffs. None of this needs to be overlooked, because all of it results in the same thing - not winning.

No, it doesn’t stop there, does it? The Dallas Stars entered the playoffs in 2006 as a 6 seed, but looking very promising. Adding Eric Lindros to the team (remember that?), the Stars made it to the playoffs, again, only to be knocked out by the Canucks. The next year, you started believing that this team would be different. You actually believed they could get to the Stanly Cup Finals. The only problem was that the Red Wings were a far superior team. This year? Well, bottom of the division, and they’re looking really, really old. Are we starting to see a trend here?

If there is a trend, which was “old” by the way, then the Rangers are the exact opposite. This young, upstart team has a problem… you guessed it… on the mound. Well, get right out of town, the Rangers have pitching problems. An amazing offense, that just can’t get it done, because of the lack of pitching. Of course, this year CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett and Derek Lowe are available free agents, but I’m almost willing to put money on the Rangers not signing anyone. All of this with Nolan Ryan in the front office. It’s sad, because the Rangers offense is that good, as is the story of some of the players. Although, if I hear another story about Josh Hamilton I’ll… I’ll… well, I’ll probably sob like a little girl again. Still, it’s looking like more of the same next year for the Rangers, which I don’t think my Dad can handle. Seriously, all this losing will put him in an early grave, and I don’t want to see that.

Again, can you tell me another stretch when all Dallas teams have been this bad at the same time? Sure, you had the Mavs in the 80’s and early 90’s, the Cowboys in the late 90’s and early 00’s, the Stars after ‘99 and the Rangers… always, but never all at one time, right? Was I just too young to realize when it was happening? You tell me, cause I can’t seem to sort it out.

But, I will say this - Fear not Dallasites. I’m now in San Francisco. Look at this: The Raiders and Niners are scraping the bottom of the barrel and have both fired their coaches, the Warriors traded away their best player in Baron Davis and their future is hurt from a moped accident, the Giants and A’s suck and the Sharks… well… the Sharks are amazing. But, come on, they have 6 damn teams to choose from. That’s not fair at all, is it?

By Jon…

I’m having a hard time coming up with any one thing to write about this time around. Nothing’s really jumped out at me in the headlines over the last week. Maybe it’s because the Cowboys had a bye week. Maybe it’s that they’ve been so god awful the last few weeks that I’ve shut my brain off. Maybe it’s because the Mavs can’t win a home game. I don’t know. It could be any of those things, or all of them at once. Either way, I’m using it as an excuse to come up with a new, weekly segment where I just type out some general musings about the Sports World at large.

Here goes:

* I get a big kick out of saying things like, “the sports world at large”. Mainly the “at large” part. Call me a weirdo, I don’t care.

*There’ve been a lot of suspect coaching decisions in the NFL the last few weeks. Kansas City coach Herm Edwards topped the list with his botched two-point conversion play for the win. Obviously, it went horribly awry. His team has no confidence whatsoever, in him, in the team, anything. I realize sometimes you have to go for it, because if you win, you get the emotional victory that, even though the season’s shot, gives the guys something to build on. But, by going for it and losing, he deprived his guys of a fair shot in overtime.

*Shaq got it right. He’s changed his nickname throughout his career to keep up with the times and circumstances. Allen Iverson might do well to try and shed his old moniker as well. Granted, Iverson was given the nickname, “The Answer”, but still, he should really dump the nickname. What is he the answer to at this point? Because the test is starting to look more like a multiple choice exam than an essay. He built a strong body of work in Philly, carrying the team to the brink of a title. I’d hate to see the guy turn into a man valued more for his expiring contract than his ability. If things don’t work out in Detroit and he goes to another team next year, he might consider the nickname, “The Experiment”.

*Thursday night football is a cruel bitch. I got absolutely annihilated in my fantasy game this week, due in part to the NFL Network (which I don’t get at my place) airing Thursday night games. I had no idea. I probably should have checked into it sooner, but I normally don’t set my lineups until Saturday after all the injury reports have been finalized. Making matters worse, I started Derek Anderson. THE BROWNS DIDN’T EVEN START DEREK ANDERSON. I was down 34-0 before the first kickoff on Sunday.

*Worse still, I have three quarterbacks on my roster. All of them began the season as starters. Now all three of them have been benched. Seriously. I don’t have a quarterback this week. Holy Shit…I don’t have a quarterback this week. I gotta get on the horn and make something happen here.

* Fortunately, Kerry Collins was available on the waiver wire. Wow, count that as something I didn’t think I’d ever say.

*With the 24 hour news cycle constantly inundating us with new and, often times, pointless stories, the good ones get lost way too quickly. Like the Phillies winning the World Series. I’m no Phillies fan, but I thought it was cool they won. It happened two weeks ago, and already it feels like it doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s because I don’t live in Philly. I’m sure it’s all over the place there. But it still feels like with so much news all the time, we don’t get the chance to savor any one story for more than a day or two before it’s forgotten.

*And last, but not least, Toph had the idea that Halloween shouldn’t be the only holiday that gets girls out in skanky clothes. We think it should be every holiday, big or small, so we’ve come up with an initiative that I think we can all get behind.  The Biz presents, “Skank the Nation”. The plan is to throw massive parties for every holiday with a skanky dress code. This way, Thanksgiving becomes “Skanksgiving”, and the turkey isn’t the only one that gets to show everyone its gobbler. So send your thoughts and ideas to us on other clever holiday names, and help the Bizzo, “SKANK the NATION”.

Yes we can!

(Editor’s Note: Meet Jerame, our Wild Card. For right now, he’s a contributor. Let’s see if his face makes the lineup…)

By Jerame Browning…

Hello Bizz-heads, or rather bizzo-philes, maybe bizzo-sexuals. Whatever. Welcome to the Wild Card page of the Bizzo. It will be my job and pleasure to provide you good men and women…. (well let’s face if mostly men) With another perspective on a few sports related ideas. This is coming from some one who never had an ounce of sports ability or knowledge. I will pick up small facts then insert them into conversations that I have no business having much like wives or girlfriends you may have or have had in the past. On to the first topic.

We all know that there are classic snacks at the ballpark or stadium. I am of course talking about the peanuts and crackerjacks, as well as bratwurst and beer of the Chicago/ Green Bay area. Yet what about the lesser know sports and their snack traditions? Before getting into that I have some alternatives that one might want to try next time at the ballpark.

•       At a Rangers game…..sour grapes and/or tequila made from the tears of the Indians we originally stole this land from so we could give the world a perpetual disappointment.
•       At a Cubs game…. Goat pizza (not goat cheese, just goat.) with a side of Coors Light. (because it taste like goat piss.)
•        At a Red Sox game… Devils food cake. All hail the Great White Satan of Baseball.

These are just a few ideas. Now when the new Cowboy’s stadium and if they are not winning you could always have a dish called 250 million dollar pudding. Basically you get a great big bowl that cost 250 million dollars and several people their homes and fill it to the brim with shit that you have sprinkled sugar on. (Note to the reader. This joke and recipe can be used on any team getting a new stadium. Yankees or Mets or anyone. But since the Cowboys effect me the most geographically I chose to dump on them.)
Now we move on to lesser known or less cared about sports such as…

•       Curling. Since curling’s resurgence at the Olympics in 1998 a lot of fun has been made of this sport… and more will be made here. The idea of curling is simple a person tries to slide a large “rock” down a long piece of ice to get it to stop at a target or home. The only way of controlling its path is with two “sweepers” who use timing and their best judgment to bring the rock to rest at home. The only snack that comes to mind for that is Meth…. and lots of it. Smoke it, snort it, hell if you inject it you might die and that would be more interesting then watching this snore fest. (Note to the reader. This sport has amateur tournaments that are televised in Canada.)
•       Ulama. “The object of the game is to keep the ball in play and in bounds. Depending on the score – and the local variant of the rules – the ball is played either high or low. A team scores a point when a player of the opposing team hits the ball out of turn; misses the ball; knocks the ball out of bounds; touches the ball with their hands or some other body part aside from the hip; accidentally touches a team-mate; lets the ball stop moving before it reaches the centre line or even if they fail to announce the score after they have scored a point.” – from Wikipedia. The only thing I can think for this game or sport is the boiled head of a virgin girl. This joke is based on the fact that this sport was originally played by the pre-Columbian people of South America such as the Olmec or Aztec which were two societies that were not squeamish about human sacrifice. You could either eat that or some nice Chile fries. Eh? Eh? Eh?
•       Tug ’o’ War. Now you may be saying that this is not a sport. Yet until 1920 it was in the summer Olympics. So for this I would recommend watching the entire tournament with a friend and you would both pick a side and a liquor for each match the loser would down his shot. If you wanted to be cute you could specify the liquor to the team’s region of origin. Example…. Jameson Irish Whisky for the southern Ireland team. Or Svedka vodka for the Swiss team. No need to travel back in time to do this. There is a yearly competition.

I would like you thank you for reading through the Wild card article. And until next time remember…. Beer to liquor gets you drunk quicker. Liquor to wine makes you feel just fine.

Peace out bitches.

(Editor’s Note: If you find the chick in the middle, tell her she’s the new official girl of the Bizzo and to contact us @ TheSportsBizzo@gmail.com. The chick on the left is for Jon….)

This week Toph and Jon discuss Robert Rodriguez, Obama, the Cowboys, their Fantasy League, the NBA, the World Series, the Texas Rangers, Breeders’ Cup, Ryan’s Birthday and Halloween. Wow, that’s a shitton. Check it out.

As usual…

Email The Bizzo at TheSportsBizzo@gmail.com

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By Jon…

As we look ahead to another Mavs season full of High expectations and disappointment, here are 10 things to look forward to:

1. Dirk is another year older and a little less effective, and even better news, he has less help than in previous years. I’m gonna steal a line from Bill Simmons here: The NBA…where frittering away your best player’s prime happens….

2. The first full year of the Jason Kidd experiment- Last year, we didn’t get to see the half of it. The Mavs tried to sneak Kidd into the mix way too late, and so they we’re destined to fail. But, worry not, Mavs fans, now we get a whole year to watch his old, crotchety ass bring us down from the inside like some kind of assist dropping, horrible shooting blackhole. On the plus side, though, we will get to see….

3. The return of “The Blur”- as Devin Harris was so preciously named two days after he was traded to the Nets. This still chaps me for some reason. He spent four years in Dallas and not one mention of a nickname. He goes to New Jersey and BAM!, he’s “The Blur”. It’s a pretty kick-ass nickname, if you ask me, and we should’ve thought of it first. I’m still holding out hope for Mavs Nation, though, because we can still give him a nickname. Just wait till the first time the Mavs play the Nets. Sometime in the middle of the the second quarter, The Blur is going to fly by Jason Kidd, dunk on him and be halfway back up the court, when Bob Ortegel, finally realizes what just happened, and says, “Wow, Mark, what was that? It all happened so fast,” and Mark Fallowill will say, “The Former Future of the Franchise just blew by Jason Kidd for an amazing dunk!!!”

And then he’ll have his new nickname in Dallas, Triple F, which ironically, is the same thing Mark Cuban will be screaming from the sideline, the Triple F, though with a slightly different connotation.

4. The return of Desagana Diop- It’s a good thing the Mavs had that mid-level exception, otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to throw undeserved money at a guy who was a throw-in on the Jason Kidd trade. I mean, it’s obvious the reason they didn’t get out of the first round last year because they we’re missing Diop. If the decision to sign Diop was a ball, Mark Cuban, “Diop-ed it like it’s hot…”

5. The Gerald Green signing- If there’s been one thing the Mavs have been missing all these years, it’s a dunk champion. It’s like a title team in Baseball not having a good pinch runner, or a Football team not having a good holder. You see what I’m getting at? Gerald Green is young, and maybe all he needed was to be put on a semi-competent team, but really? That’s the ace in the hole this year? Outside of a few highlight alley-oops from Jason Kidd, I don’t see this acquisition making a big impact. Unless the NBA made some rule change where instead of overtime, teams have to compete in a Blowing-Out-a-Candle-on-a-Cupcake-while-Dunking Contest.

6. The new Pre-Game Introductions- This year, the Pregame introductions are going to be super-sweet. Mark Cuban decided to consult Josh Howard this year to try and liven up the crowd a bit and drive concession sales.

Picture the scene: The road team’s just been introduced, and the lights go down…the black lights turn on, and the smoke begins to pour in. Except this year, it’s not a fog machine…it’s a smog machine. Josh Howard and all of his buddies have been taking bong rips for the last two hours to get enough smoke to smog out the AAC. The Mavs come stumbling out of the tunnel, ready to play some X-Box 360 NBA 2K8. Then they’ll sing the National Anthem then, much as they do when they play in Canada, they will sing a second Anthem, except this one will be just for Josh Howard, and what he does celebrate, Weed. J-Ho’s anthem will be, “Two Joints” by Sublime.

7. The jokes, the jokes will be great- I’m throwing this one in, spur of the moment, because it’s too priceless. I’m watching the first quarter of the Mavs season opener, and Josh Howard just went off for 8 points in the first 5 minutes. As TNT was cutting to commercial, Reggie Miller says, “It’s great to see Josh Howard starting off on a high..note..” He totally didn’t mean to do it, but there was a split second hesitation on Reggie Miller’s part where he realized what he was saying. Priceless.

8. Josh Howard again- J-Ho’s career can go two ways from here, good or bad. After watching him for the first few minutes of this game, Howard looks primed for a breakout, Eff-You season. He’s been listening to people in the media drag his name through the mud all year, and it looks like he’s taken it to heart. Granted it’s only one quarter so far, but he looks like he’s releasing a lot of his aggression on the Rockets. Let’s hope it continues. He’s got 13 points already, and the first quarter isn’t over. And he’s being covered by Ron Artest.

9. Little General gone- A friend of mine told me recently that a lot of Mavs said they didn’t want to play for the Mavs if Avery Johnson was still the coach. I’m not sure who his source was, but either way, getting rid of Avery was clearly a good decision.

10. I may be completely wrong on all of this. It’s really hard for me to write the back half of this story because I’m watching the Mavs game right now, and they look a lot better than I thought. Goddamnit, they sucked me again. HOW DO THEY DO THIS TO ME EVERY YEAR? And it only took 12 minutes this time.

GO MAVS!!

By Brandon…

I told you so Jerry Jones.  I told you so but you are too rich and all important to listen to the Ramblin’ Gambler.  Anyone who spent time drinking with me this summer during the pre-season knows two things:  1. I hate the NFC West  2.  I said that Brad Johnson would ruin the Cowboys should Romo get hurt.

With half the season over, my predictions about the NFC West are going great.  The division is still the worst in the league with three out of four teams winning less that .300.  And yet two of those shitty teams beat Dallas.   Even though Romo played the entire game against AZ, I still blame Johnson for the loss.  His old, rickety ass put a curse on the benches and filled the offensive players’ nostrils with the tranquilizing smell of mothballs.  His best game in the past two years?  His best game since Jerry Jones met him at his mom’s retirement home?  Not throwing an interception during the Tampa Bay game.  I can imagine Jerry Jones telling him - “Brad - listen. We’re at home this week.  Our defense is pumped. Every time you feel like making a play, just throw the ball into the ground!”

And that’s mostly what B.J. did.  He threw the ball so nobody could catch it, including Dallas WRs.  He threw for 122 yards. I don’t know how much they are paying this veteran, but I’m sure they could pay five rookie QBs with that scratch.  Jerry Jones – call up Minnesota.  Tarvaris “I’m a fucking disaster” Jackson needs a home on the Dallas bench. I really wouldn’t notice the difference between the two QBs, but at least I’d know that Tarvaris doesn’t have to pay close attention to his cholesterol levels and Aleve intake.

Now that I’ve endorsed starting Brooks Bollinger, on to the picks.  So far I am 1-3-2 on picks as of the start of the football season.  I would have gone 0-3 during my last set but luckily there was no action on the Kimbo Slice fight as he did not lose to the opponent everyone bet on - resulting in a refund.  Since the fights are giving me trouble, I’m sticking to football this week.

Philly (-7) at Seattle:  This time, NFC East takes down NFC West team.  Fake crowd noise won’t help Seattle.

Cleveland (-1.5) vs. Baltimore:  Cleveland will even the season series and send both teams to .500 land.

Dallas/NYG Under 41 points: If B.J. starts, the Boys won’t have any points.  If you saw what the Giants were able to do against Pittsburgh, you should be afraid.  But the Cowboys D should have some confidence after not allowing a touchdown for four quarters, which means the Under looks good here.

Can’t believe I’m saying this, but NO MORE B.J.