The NFL schedules were released, and before I talk about the Mavs, I wanted to discuss it. Seems like the Cowboys were fucked again with this year’s schedule, and it’s gotta piss off somebody other than me.

Seems logical that Boys will open on the road at Washington. We have to travel to Washington to open the season? Really?

Not only are we opening at Washington, but we’re closing with consecutive roadies against the Cardinals (who knows how they’ll be without Warner) and, of course, Philly. Add that to road games against the Vikings, Packers and Colts, and I’m wondering who is coming into the great stadium. We’re really selling tickets to home games against the Lions, Jags and Chicago?

Not to mention that we’ll only have 4 days to prepare for the Thanksgiving game against the Saints. PS, we follow that game up with the Colts on the road. If I recall, both of these teams were in the Super Bowl. Thanks for giving them to us on a back to back (admittedly with our Turkey Day prep), NFL.

And, we couldn’t be happier to have the first bye week of the season. Makes sense, really, since we get to play the next 10 games against teams over .500 from last year (didn’t actually look it up, just guessed).

And, my final beef with the schedule, 4 prime time games with 1 Monday nighter. Wait a minute, we play the same amount of prime time games as the fucking 49ers? Really? And, they have 1 more Monday night game than us? Really? Is America excited about the 2nd Alex Smith era? Did I miss something? People in San Francisco aren’t excited about the 2nd Alex Smith era.

In conclusion, fuck you, schedule makers.

(Now back to your regularly scheduled NBA playoff coverage… or lack thereof.)

It has taken some time, but I have finally learned to accept that the Cowboys lost to the Vikings, and are not going to the Super Bowl.

This took a lot out of, and it got scary at times. I truly can’t stand Brett Favre, and seeing him win another Super Bowl would have been too much for me to handle. So, I guess thanks, Brett. Thanks for allowing me to live.

So, what now? Funny you asked. Now I don’t know. I still have the Mavs to let me down, and I have the Rangers to let me down, as well. But, I’m going to attempt to expand on them. Remember when I convinced many people to write for the Biz? That didn’t go so well.

I guess what I’m trying to say is now that the Cowboys are done, I’m going to attempt to be less one dimensional. You may only get 1 article a week, which will likely diminish the 4 readers we currently have, but it’ll be good.

This is not an example of what good is, by the way.

This is just the bridge over the gap that is currently the Bizzo.

The photo above rules.

And, lastly, I’m thinking we start a campaign to get Jon back. Make that happen, people.

Dear Cowboys Nation… and those of you just tagging along for the ride,

The Best Team In Football is now out of the playoffs. It was a good run, but the Cowboys came up short in Minnesota and are now in “we’ll get ‘em next year” mode.
Actually, we’re still waiting for the Cowboys to get off the bus and get suited up to play the Vikings, because they never showed up at the game. I kind of hate to say this, but if you recall the Cowboys Update from training camp dated July 30, 2009, I said in my predictions, “ We finish 11 – 5, win one playoff game, celebrate, then get annihilated the next game. At least we get to beat the Raiders on Thanksgiving this year.” Sorry about that. It’s kinda scary when I’m that right.

In multiple trips inside Vikings territory in the first half, the Cowboys came away with 3 points. That fueled the frustration for the Cowboys, and created the momentum for the Vikings, and the game was essentially over before halftime. Flozell Adams apparently retired two years ago but forgot to tell anyone. The offensive line (and I mean offensive ) gave up six sacks, leaving Tony Romo dazed and confused for so long it’s not true. Just like last year’s season-ending performance against the E-girls, losing 44-6 and getting knocked out of the playoff picture, this season-ending drubbing by the Vikings should fuel the fire in the bellies of Cowboys Nation to right the wrong committed in Minnesota Sunday afternoon with next year’s scheduled game against these same foes.
Jared Allen, Vikings DE, celebrated the victory over the Cowboys by going home and fucking his favorite sheep; the one he calls She-Ra Warrior Princess, because she’s so strong, and yet so beautiful. Brett Favre was giddy with excitement after the game; not because they won, but because his battery-operated Sphincto-Glide butt plug (by Ronco) finally allowed him to take the big dump at halftime that he’d been waiting for over a week to pass…kinda like a football. Brad Childress, Vikings head coach, found out (again) that even though his team is winning playoff games, the only thing he can get a woman to press against him is charges.

The Jets were the only road team to win this weekend, making San Diego the only team with a first round bye “one and done”. Having just watched the Cowboy game, I was in no mood to celebrate, but it was fun to watch that whiny-ass punk Phillip Rivers lose. He’s the type of guy you just want to punch in the face… much like our old friend Jim Rivers. I wonder if they’re related.

I hope the Jets can keep it up and beat Indy on Sunday. The last thing I think I could possibly stand to see is a Peyton Manning – Brett Favre Super Bowl. Oh what a field day the press would have showering these two guys with Hall-of-Fame adulation for two weeks. This week, Joe is Manning and Favre. Kill Joe! Go Jets! Go Saints!

Depending on the circumstances/ news/ NFL highlights and lowlights, the Updates will be sporadic and more monthly than weekly until training camp in July. But, as always, keep fuckin’ that chicken, and…

GO COWBOYS!!!
Tim

Cowboys Nation,
The drought is over. Let it rain.
The last time the Cowboys won a playoff game, Annabel was two days old. We just celebrated her 13th birthday three weeks ago. It’s time to win some more.
Now that we have summarily dismissed and disposed of everyone’s little darlings, the E-girls, let’s get on with the real games. Why did the media insist that Philly was the favorite? Chris “Blowhard” Berman still can’t get over the fact that Dallas is better than the Iggles. Mike “I never played the game ‘cause I’m a skinny little Jewboy” Greenberg and his buddy, Mike Golic-yourself, both picked Philly, too. Even Keyshawn “Just throw me the Damn Ball” Johnson, a former Cowboy, picked Philly. Sad isn’t it? When the so-called “experts” don’t even see greatness when it slaps ‘em in the face?

Dallas dominated the E-girls in every phase of the game…again. Tony Romo went 23 of 34 for 244 yards and 2 TDs, and 0 ints, and significantly out-played Donna McFlabb (who is now rumored to be possibly heading to Denver). Felix Jones rushed for 148 yards on 16 carries, including a 73 yard TD run – the longest in Cowboys Playoff history. Dallas out-gained Philly 428 total yards to 340, and totaled 27 first downs to the Iggles 17 (all of which were by pass or penalty, none rushing). The Cowboys dominated the time of possession also, 39:34 to 20:26. The only big mistake was when Mike Jenkins, after intercepting a McFlabb pass, tried to lateral the ball and fumbled it back to the E-girls. Stupid.
De Marcus Ware had 2 sacks. And our favorite Number One Draft Pick Special Teams player Barbie Carpenter had 2 fumble recoveries!

E-girls WR DeSean Jackson had spent his time preparing for the game by Twittering about how he and his teammates were “gonna sting they asses” with big plays in the Playoff re-match. Suggestion: DeSean Jackson needs to DeShut Up, son!

This Sunday the Cowboys travel to Minnesota to play Brett Favre and his Vikings. They’ve had a really good season so far, going 12-4, but have limped into the Playoffs losing 3 of their last 5 games. They finished strong against She-li Manning and his merry band of Gay-ants, who had already packed their bags for the off-season, so it’s difficult to tell just how good the Vikings really are at this point of the year. Of the remaining Playoff teams, the Vikes are the “least favored” favorite, in that all the other home teams are at least 6.5 point favorites to win, and Minnesota is only favored over Dallas by 2. Good. I’m glad we’re the underdog. The Cowboys need to pass protect for Tony big time in this game; and they need to get after Favre in a big way. Stopping Adrian Peterson is a top priority for the defense, but they can’t let Favre beat them like a rented mule all day either. We have to run the ball well, and eliminate all the stupid penalties. This will be a tough game, in a tough place to play, but the Cowboys will win it. It’s time to take care of business, and Kill Joe!

The Cardinals held off the Packers in the No-Defense Bowl, and now are headed to New Orleans to play the Saints. That was the only first round playoff game I missed on. I knew the Ravens would beat the Boy Scout in New England. The Jets proved me right against Cincinnati. Now let’s see what those two teams heavily weighted on their running game and defense can do against the two high-powered offensive teams of the Colts and Chargers, respectively. RB, I’m pullin’ for your Jets, but they’re gonna have to play mistake-free to beat San Diego… who is beatable BTW. The last thing you want with an 11-game winning streak is a week off. Keep f’n that chicken.

Prediction: Cowboys 33 – Minnesota 24
I’m giving a lot of offensive credit to an aging Favre, but I honestly think the Cowboys defense can hold them to 17 or under. The only way they reach 24 points is off of defense and special teams. Tony will light up their secondary.

We need this one.
Go Cowboys!
Tim

This man is genius.

Cowboys Nation,

We have now lost two games in a row where we’ve been stopped on a fourth down run by MB3 at a critical juncture of the game. I’ve said this before; it’s not a talent issue, it’s not a personnel issue, it’s a coaching issue. This all comes down to play calling. Just get Romo outside after a play fake with Barber on a dive up the middle, and have Tony have the option to either run it in or flip a pass to the TE. It’s either a first down or a touchdown; I’ll take either one. It should be easy stuff, especially when the defense is looking to stop the run up the middle first, and has too little time to react to the outside bootleg run/pass option. Do I need to go down there and coach this team? (I guess that would make two of us that are unqualified for the job.) I feel like my dad turning around in the front seat of the Buick to stare us down and make us behave, “Do I need to come back there settle you boys down?” “No, Dad, we’re ok, we swear.”
Wade and Garrett had better get it together or they’ll be looking for jobs as soon as we end our season; the adult equivalent of a spanking by Jerry Jones.

The Cowboys have lost five games. They really should have lost only one game…to Kansas City! You’ll all recall that we won that game by the skin of Miles Austin’s teeth in OT. We should have beaten the Broncos, the Packers, the Chargers, and the Giants … twice! Hell, we out-played the opposition in ALL of those games, except against the Chiefs. The only truly complete game the Cowboys have played all year was against the Falcons, the week following the bye. That week, we beat a good team by playing good football. The following week against Seattle, the opponent was far less talented. These last two losses are not on Tony, they’re on Wade.

No need to bitch about the refs in the San Diego game. The only really bad call they made, they conferenced on and overturned it. The reason Dallas didn’t win this game was the inexplicable play calling from the one yard line, and our kicker lost his mechanics. I’ll let those ultra-manly Tom Coughlin fans out there whine like She-li about the refs after getting swept by the E-girls. She-li was extremely jealous after the game because Donna McNabb got to throw his own all-boy hot tub victory party in Philadelphia without him, giving new meaning to the city of brotherly love.

This Saturday night the Best Team In Football goes to N’awlins to play the as yet undefeated Saints. The Saints have barely won their last two games, both against teams we have already beaten this year. Drew Brees is a great player, can read defenses as well as any QB in the league, and is red hot right now (like Hansel). It’s time for the Saints to stumble. The Cowboys will win this game, much to the delight of bookies across the country. This will be the second game of the season that the Cowboys will not be favored to win; the first being on the road in Philly – which we won. It’s time to surprise the critics. It’s time to shut up Cowboy-hater Mike Golic-yourself. It’s time to kill Joe.

BCS Update: Mark Ingram, Heisman trophy winner from Alabama, wasn’t even the best running back in the country this year. The Heisman has clearly become a “best guy on the best team” award. Ndamukong Suh, DL from Nebraska, should have won the Heisman. At least Colt McCoy made All-American.

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – Saints 35
This is a must win for us, not for them. It all comes down to finishing off drives with touchdowns. It still remains to be seen if DeMarcus Ware will be back from his neck injury. If Ware is held out, then we need a big coming out party for Victor Butler, including a few sacks on Brees.

Go Cowboys!
Tim

By Jon…

I’ve been running the same question through my head for over a month now, and I think I finally figured out the answer.

The question I was asking myself was this:

Do I hate the Cowboys?

The answer: Yeah, kinda. But I should clarify.

Here:

My displeasure with the Cowboys is three-fold.

First fold: They haven’t won a playoff game since I was a sophomore in high school.  I’ve learned and forgotten Algebra twice in that span of time. And yet somehow every year I get duped into believing they’re gonna win the goddamn Super Bowl. This year was the worst. This year they really did have the talent to do it. And they were on “Hard Knocks”. That’s what sealed it for me. I love all that behind the scenes bullshit. I like trying to figure out which players I think would be fun to hang out with, and finding out who hangs out with whom. Which leads me to….

Second fold: Jerry Jones fooled us all. I would say that a fairly significant portion of the Cowboys faithful grew up in the Video Game Era. Most of us grew up playing Madden, running franchise mode drafts and putting together the most unstoppable teams imaginable. We’ve grown up with this idea that players skills are number rankings from 1 to 100, and the higher the ranking the better the player.  Ego never comes into play in video games. You could put T.O next to Roy Williams next to Jason Witten next to Romo next to Marion Barber…and you would have one badass team…on Madden. But not in real life. And that’s where Jerry fooled us. He put together a Madden team so he could sell tickets. He spent money to make money. And now he’s got himself a pretty, new castle for his little minions to play in. And he’s happy as a clam. He’s a shrewd business man. He always has been. He knows what he’s doing. That’s why he let HBO in for “Hard Knocks”. He knew there was a lot of skepticism about his team getting along. So he let the cameras come in and show all his good little boys playing nice and playing with their babies and playing pranks on the rookies. And we all bought it. I know I was. I had a Romoboner from here to Dallas by the end of the “Hard Knocks” finale. This bring us to….

Third Fold: Where do they go from here? There are too many unanswered questions for next year. In the last week, 7 or 8 players who played significant time last season were either released or defected to other teams via free agency. Who are we replacing these guys with? I know chemistry is the buzzword down at Valley Ranch right now, but are they going to continue to sacrifice talent in the name of chemistry? How do they intend to replace these guys? Jerry traded away two first round picks for Roy Williams, so it’s unlikely that the draft will pay immediate dividends, and I don’t think we’ve picked up anyone in free agency. Maybe Jerry’s got some big, draft day plans.

I hope so. Because I’m on guard this year. I’m not falling for the same, old crap.

So, yeah. I do kinda hate the Cowboys right now….until the end of April when the draft rolls around…

By Toph…

Wow, there’s a lot going on in sports, and as much as I’d like to write about it all separately, I don’t have time. Truth is, I barely have time to do anything besides work and make love. But, you’re important to me Bizzos… So, I’m here for you.

Let’s start with baseball, since it’s not in season or relevant right now. Joe Torre is ripping the Yankees? Really? The team that made him who he is? Good for you Joe. You know what’s cool? Not giving the Yankees complete credit for sticking with you. I mean, you only had the best talent every year. This is like being the nerd in high school, dating the head cheerleader, then breaking up with her once you become popular. Only, you write a book about how her vag smells like sweaty chode. You ungrateful bastard.

Speaking of the Yankees (and Braves?), apparently David Justice did steroids. This is impressive to me. David Justice, the biggest vagina in sports did steroids. Wasn’t his fucking house burned down by Left Eye or T-Boz? Good for you, David Justice. How many headlines are going to read, “David Un-Justice?”

Really, Joe Torre, and you’re going to talk about how no one liked A-Rod? Shocking.

The Rangers are already 20 games out of first place, and Spring Training hasn’t even begun. But, hey, look on the bright side, Rangers Fan, we might get Ben Sheets. Millwood, Padilla and Sheets. Get ready! And, yes, fan is singular for a reason.

On Saturday I woke up early to watch the Mavs get pwned by the Celtics. (I’ve decided to start using pwned. Am I too late on this? It’s not like I’m w00t!ing or anything.) By halftime, Mavs down damn near 30, I went back to bed and cried myself back to sleep. I have no faith in this team. Seeing Gerald Green in a suit made me think, “Fuck, Gerald Green IS a Mav.” What happened to this team? I think it’s time to send Cuban an email asking him, for all of our sanity, to fix it. I’m more depressed about the Mavs than the economy.

Did you hear TO is getting his own reality show on VH1? It’s definitely the right step in the Cowboys character cleansing. I’m not gonna lie, I’m really hoping to see him show up on the BangBros set again. Yep, next year is looking promising, Boys.

Super Bowl is this weekend, and I’ve officially seen no coverage. Who can watch Super Bowl coverage of a team that’s about to have more trophies than the Cowboys? OK, and when The CW keeps churning out television gold. Oh, I’m the only one watching Privileged? It’s my wife’s fault…

I’m such a little bitch. I feel like Dallas Sports fans are currently the most downtrodden fans in the nation. Yeah, eff you, Seattle. We expect to win, and it’s not happening. We expect winners, and the fucking Arizona Cardinals are in the Super Bowl. The Stars are finally out of last place, the Mavs make me want to kill myself and the Rangers, well, there was an entire Uni Watch devoted the damn Rangers.

What have we done to deserve this?

Never mind, maybe you shouldn’t answer that.

The Sports Bizzo Podcast 01.02.09

Toph and Jon actually sit down to discuss sports. In the first podcast of the new year, the Bizzers discuss their predictions for the NFL playoffs, the remaining bowl games, the Yankees, the Mavs and of course, the demise of the Cowboys.

Jon’s Wildcard Round Playoff Predictions (Winning teams in Bold)

Atlanta – Arizona

Indy – San Diego

Philly – Minnesota

Baltimore – Miami

Toph’s Wildcard Round Playoff Predictions

Atlanta – Arizona

Indy – San Diego

Philly – Minnesota

Baltimore – Miami

And as usual…

Download The Bizzo podcast on iTunes – HERE (Write a review!)

Email The Bizzo at TheSportsBizzo@gmail.com

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By Toph…

Well, it’s December in Dallas, and we all know what that means, The Anti-Claus strikes again. Once again, we wake up on a Monday morning to find that the Cowboys have let us down in December. It’s really beginning to get old at this point. As Diabla and I headed back to the Metroplex, we readied ourselves for the Sunday showdown with the Philadelphia Eagles.

Before the game, we attended Dibs’ niece’s soccer game. The Lady Kicks against the Purple People Eaters. Two of the top teams in the Fort Worth girl’s 9-11 year old indoor soccer league, the Kicks churned out 16 unanswered goals and blanked the Purple People Eaters. Sadly, no one paid much attention, as the entire crowd, dressed in Silver and Blue, discussed the game. Hell, even the scorekeeper stopped keeping score after 10 points (I kept racking them up in my head, leading me to believe I’ll be that kind of Dad).

After a while, we all joked that this would be a preview of the Cowboys game. Little did we know, we were completely right, only The Boys turned out to the be Purple People Eaters. I will say, watching those girls get demoralized was kind of sad, but what can you do when even the reserves scored 9 points in the 2nd half? Do you tell them to play dead? I mean, they don’t get to start and you’re supposed to tell them not to score? It doesn’t seem fair for anyone involved, and there should have been a 10-point mercy rule or something.

Sorry, back to the Cowboys – No one really felt good going into last night’s game, and maybe the most depressing loss since last year was a good thing. The week’s leading up to last night’s Spanklish all we heard from Jerry was that the Boys would make the playoffs, Wade’s job was safe and everything was OK at the Ranch. (Oh, this is a new word derived from a Cinemax porn Habla Spanklish, about Latin girls who liked to get, you guessed it, spanked. Also on at the time were Daddy Issues 1, Sex Games Cancun 8 and Never Too Big.) It wasn’t until late last night that Jerry finally said he’d be taking people behind the woodshed, which only further excites me and other fans of Spanklish. I can’t help but to think about Jerry telling Wade to go into his closet and pick out the belt.

After being declared the Super Champions in the preseason, and completely failing to live up to expectations, there’s no reason to think this coaching staff can come back, right? Wade has proven that he’s not the right man for the job, Brian Stewart lost control of the Defense, and it seems everyone has lost confidence in Jason Garrett. Makes you wonder what happened to Sean Peyton and Tony Sparano, doesn’t it? But, at this point, I believe we’ve invested too much into Garrett to not give him a shot at coaching this team. Hire an offensive coordinator, and demote Wade to the defense. Think that’s crazy? Then explain why our old Head Coach is now our secondary coach.

Things need to change back at the Ranch. Meltdowns of this magnitude are simply unacceptable.
And with that said… It’s good to be back from vacation. The Bizzo has been on hiatus for the holidays, but we fully expected to be covering Cowboys football in the playoffs. The Biz went through a lot of different things in 2008 – I mean, creation, podcasting, blogging, and from 2 writer’s to 8 writer’s and finally back down to 3. We brought friends and guests onto the podcast, and even tried streaming it. Also, we were invited to join the Yardbarker network, which has been good to us.

2009 should bring a lot more to the Biz. I’m not sure what, but, we’ll play it by ear.

Jon, Christian and I hope you all had a happy holiday and will have a happy New Year.

Late.

(Editor’s Note: If I was that ugly, I’d be sad, too… OH SNAP! I’d still hit, girl…)

Everybody look out….I think T.O. is about to cry….again.

Word came out that he and Romo are having some sort of quarrel. What a joke, man. T.O. never changed and he’s never going to change. I was a fool to think otherwise.

The problem is Jerry Jones. I was raised in the Jerry Jones era of the Cowboys and have grown accustomed to the Cowboys picking up every headcaselowlifearrogantspoiledjerkoff of a player in the NFL. And since they won a trio of Super Bowls in those early years, I was duped into thinking the Cowboys could turn any loser into a winner. Because it’s the Cowboys. Nobody is bigger than the Cowboys, and they never will be. It’s a global icon. People in other countries who’ve never seen a football game know who the Dallas Cowboys are. That’s why I thought the T.O. thing would work out. He’s on the biggest team in the biggest sport in the most talked about country in the world.

Maybe he’d shut up and play.

The problem is the media. I pose to you a philosophical question: If T.O. takes a dump in the woods, and there’s no one there to see it, does Ed Werder still report it?

Of course he does, because the media loves T.O. People love to hate him and they know it and he knows it. So everytime he wants to cry about something, ESPN’s right there waiting. Or FoxSports, or hell, The Sports Bizzo.

Have we learned nothing from our third grade class? Everybody had that one kid in their class who was out of control, or the class clown, or the whiny baby. What did the teacher tell you to do when he was making another cry for attention?

Just ignore him, and he’ll stop.

It seems a bit childish of us all to not apply the same logic to T.O. If we stop catering to his every temper tantrum, maybe he’ll stop.

It kinda reminds me of the The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror episode when all of the advertisements come to life. And the way they stop them is by having Paul Anka sing the jingle,

“Just don’t look…just don’t look…”

And it works on everybody except for Homer because he’s still staring at the donut man.

We’ll were Homer, and T.O is the donut man.

“Just don’t look….Just don’t look…”