By Jon (yep… you read that right)…

John Hollinger doesn’t get it.

I read ESPN religiously, and I continually hate myself for doing so. ESPN may very well be the reason behind the rise and fall of sports media. I know Ben Stiller was gunning for a laugh when he came up with “The Ocho” in Dodgeball, but he wasn’t too far off the mark.

I name drop John Hollinger for a reason. He’s one of the increasing number of hacks that populate the ESPN universe. Guys who were given a column because they had some “new and interesting” way of looking at sports.

He’s a stat guy.

I have friends who are Actuaries and Statisticians. There’s no doubt in my mind that statistics are an incredibly useful tool. It’s great for sports, too. Just not the way he uses them. Hollinger is part of a new wave of statisticians who’ve decided to come up with new ways of looking at sports through new statistical formulas.

Good for you.

Progress isn’t made by things just happening. There’s lots of hard work involved. Lots of trial and error.

But sometimes, man, your shit just don’t make sense.

Your formulas are in the trial stage at best. And yet, you keep writing these articles as if your formulas are gospel. It’s good to trust in your hard work, but you’re forgetting the most important thing about sports. The thing you can’t quantify. The thing you can’t bottle. The thing that makes sports really fantastic to watch.

Momentum.

It changes games. It changes seasons. It changes everything.

This little soapbox I’m writing comes on the heels of Hollinger’s most recent gem about the Mavs’ status as a contender or pretender.

Through the shrewd use of his “formulas”, Hollinger takes a big ol’ steamin’ dump on the Mavs’ eight game winning streak.

He employs the logic that the Mavs’ have been as lucky as they have good. Fair enough. Part of being good is being lucky. But then he cites statistics about how the Mavs’ have a 15-5 record in games decided by five points or fewer.

What bothers me about this, is that next week, he’s just as likely to use a similar statistic with a different team to point out how they aren’t contenders because they don’t know how to close out games.

That’s what makes a contender. Winning the close ones. The ones where the team isn’t firing on all cylinders, but still wins.

A rebuttal, Hollinger: Occam’s Razor. The simplest explanation tends to be the best one.

You’re over thinking the goddamned thing.

The Mavs are energized from the trade. They’ve got some new pieces. They can do something’s they couldn’t before. They got rid of some festering parts that were eating away at the team.

Simply, they’ve got momentum on their side. They hosted an incredibly successful All-Star weekend. One they didn’t have to travel for. They’re rested. They’re energized. Rejuvenated. All of these are reasons that should be looked at WAY before you start looking at plus/minus differentials, true shooting percentage, or whatever new numbers you’re tossing around.

Here, an anecdote:

I’ve spent the last six years watching LOST. It’s finally drawing to a close. When I first started watching, I was obsessed with what the numbers meant. They had to have some major meaning, surely they weren’t just picked arbitrarily by the writers. As they show progressed, I realized just that. There wasn’t some big secret behind the numbers.

They were just numbers. I kept watching the show because of the story, because of the people involved.

I’m not saying you should give up your job as a statistician. You’re doing some good work out there.

But, sometimes, just for a second, you should turn that part of your brain off, and just watch the damn games.

Write an article about that. About your gut reaction. About how momentum swung the game. Write about how the game made you feel. Watch it for the stories, for the people involved. And if the numbers end up meaning something in the end.

Bonus.

And if not, oh well, at least you can let us all know for two seconds, that you weren’t just some robot who spit out statistics.

By Jon…

I should have written this last night, but I didn’t. It was freezing outside, no one was coming into work, and I had lots of time to think. The crossword puzzle I was working on was done with me, unwilling to budge, thwarting my search for simple answers to abstract ideas. Then the allergies took hold. I felt like ripping my nose off my face. Then my stomach turned on me, and I was done. I wanted nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed. I finally got off work around 5:30 this morning, determined to plow through an article about something sports related to appease my very understanding editor, and then try to sleep off the sickness.

But I didn’t. I didn’t write the article. Instead I ate my breakfast and distracted myself with a brilliant, old game I remember from my formative years. The game’s called The Incredible Machine. The goal is to build Rune Goldberg machines to accomplish a simple task. Think Pee Wee Herman’s alarm clock/breakfast maker contraption from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. I spent about an hour playing while Sportscenter was on the TV.

The TV was muted. It’s always muted these days. Especially during the early morning Sportscenter. Is it just me or is the new Sportscenter Live show in the morning the worst?

I think insufferable is the word I’m looking for, but I can’t be sure.

Sportscenter Live is counter to everything Sportscenter has been about since I was a kid. Witty dialogue, highlights, and more highlights. The live show has half the highlights, a quarter of the witty dialogue and all of the fluff of Good Morning America. It pains me to listen to Sage Steele plow through highlight segments with the aplomb of the “Boom goes the dynamite” kid on a good day. No jokes, no flashy quips, just bumbling through whatever the teleprompter tells her.

Here’s what I’m getting at ESPN: I like the idea of a live Sportscenter. In fact, I was really into the idea when I first heard about it. I thought it would increase the interplay between the anchors, resulting in informative, and equally hilarious highlight segments. But on the mornings when you trot out Sage Steele, Hannah Storm and Josh Elliot as your starting lineup, well, by God, ESPN, I just wanna shoot myself.

Instead I mute the TV and watch my highlights in silence, which sucks for any number of reasons. I’m still watching it, which contributes to your ratings, which makes you more ad revenue, which makes your people upstairs think they must be doing something right, which means they keep trotting out Steele/Storm/Elliot every morning.

Da da da da da Dumb…

By Jon…

One of my favorite movies, High Fidelity, begins with the line, “What came first, the music or the misery? Do I listen to pop music because I’m miserable, or am I miserable because I listen to pop music?”

That line, in all its brilliance, makes for a perfect segue into my post today. What came first, the interest or the video game? Did I start watching soccer because I bought FIFA 08, or did I buy FIFA 08 because I started watching soccer?

I still really don’t know the answer but, either way, it’s happened. What I do know is that they compliment one another well, the game and video game. I bought the video game on a whim the other day while Ed was buying “The Deadliest Catch” video game. I had just started my new job which puts cash in my pocket on a nightly basis. I was there. The game was there. And sure as hell, there was $50 in my pocket.

So I bought it. It just so happened that my purchase coincided with the Group stage of Euro 2008. The game is frustrating in a number of ways, mainly the lack of a career mode, a staple in most sports games. The other frustrating part: I have no clue how to play soccer. Okay, I know how the game is played. I know what offsides is, I know the rules, but I haven’t clue how the game is actually played. Strategy. Plays. Substitutions. The nuances of the game. It makes for frustrating gameplay, for sure. I was getting routinely smoked on the Amateur skill level.

So I put it down for a few days.

In my time away from the game, I found myself thinking about how to get good at FIFA 08. I kept seeing the game in my head. It was eerie. It was like when I played Scrabble or Yahoo! Literati for a solid few months in college. I found myself zoning out on the road trying to rearrange the letters of the signs on the freeway. But that’s Scrabble. That’s words. I like words. I don’t like soccer.

Do I?

It started with a few Sportscenter Top Plays. “Well, that looked pretty nifty,” I thought. And then I found myself logging on to ESPNsoccernet.com, and reading up on Euro 2008, until finally I said, “Screw it, I’m watching Croatia-Turkey and I don’t care who knows it.”

I tuned into the game around the 18th minute. Nil-nil. “Alright, it’s early. Of course, they haven’t scored yet. No worries. Just tune in and learn.” And I did. I learned some of the nuances of the game, like when looking for someone to pass it to, find the guy who has the most space to run. And, just as in American football, you don’t pass it to the guy, you pass it to where he’s going to be, or where you’d like him to end up.

Sounds simple, I know, but these are things that escaped me when thinking about Soccer. You have to understand, I swore off soccer in Kindergarten. I played one year, and I’d say on the low end, I got hit in the face with the ball 10 times. Granted, I didn’t know what I was doing, but I definitely didn’t like getting hit in the face with a soccer ball.

Back to Croatia-Turkey, though. It went through all of regulation, and the first extra period. Nil-Nil. I’m not gonna lie, for about half of that time, I was outside on the phone. Kinda bored, catching up with old friends. But I came inside just in time. It was at the 115′ mark in the second extra period (At some point during the game, I decided I was a Croatia fan. They had a young coach who looked like a cool, British dude I went to college with. That’s seriously why I decided to root for Croatia).

In the 118th minute, the Croatians had a scoring chance that looked like it may have been thwarted, but then the Turkish keeper came way out to make a play on the ball. The Croatians made an extra pass, catching the Turkish keeper way out of position, and scored. The Croatian faithful went crazy. Their coach was sprinting down the sidelines, hands in the air, in a suit that looked strangely similar to the one I wore for First Confession in the 2nd grade.

Stranger still, I was smiling with my hands in the air because the Croatian national team scored. I’m not even entirely sure where Croatia is. I know it used to be part of Yugoslavia, but I’d have trouble pointing it out on a map. And yet, here I was cheering for them like I was from there.

And then a funny thing happened. With two minutes left, and the commentators all but proclaiming a Croatian victory, the Turkish goalie booted it 3/4 of the way down the pitch, bounced off one guy, right to a Turkish player, who turned, fired and scored.

Oh my God, I’ve been watching this for two hours and nothing happened. And then in the the last two minutes, both teams scored. And the Turks literally scored with almost no time left. It was like a buzzer beater in basketball, except you have no idea when the buzzer is going to go off.

Sadly, my Croatian brethren squandered the match when it went to a shootout. Two of their top players shanked their attempts, and the fourth one had his shot blocked by the Turkish keeper to seal the victory for the Turks.

All in all, it was totally worth the two hours I spent watching it. As an added bonus, I was able to apply some of my new found knowledge of soccer in a couple games of FIFA 08.

Granted, I still have it set to amateur, but, hey, you gotta start somewhere.

The Sports Bizzo Podcast 05.03.08

Yep, are second podcast is finally here. It’s sexy and amazing… but that could be due to the segue music. Sexy Segue music.

Here are some helpful links and photos to help you along.

The Breeders Cup photos

Peyton Manning Photo

By Toph…

I saw an interesting article on ESPN, that the MLB Players Association was opening an investigation into the free agent market. The reason is, hold on to your seat, no team as showed an interest in signing Barry Lamar Bonds. Can you friggin’ believe this? Wait my Bizzo friends, there’s more. Also, no team is interested in signing his Major League friends, either. The short list of these dazzling players are Kenny Lofton, Jose Mesa, Mike Piazza, Sammy Sosa, David Wells and Roger Clemens.

Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 1997 American League All-Star team.

Why don’t we just throw in Jose Canseco, MLBPA? Call me crazy, but why would anyone lineup to sign these guys? You’d have to have a payroll of next to nothing to be able to afford any of these washed up vets. All them demand outrageous amounts of money, or they throw hissy fits. This also explains why two of them, Kenny Lofton and Sammy Sosa were Rangers last year. Who else spends money on washed up players? These guys are all on or in the downside of their careers. So, chances of them going to a team like the Royals (who wouldn’t spend the money anyway), the Indians (who don’t need any of these guys) – why go through this? These guys won’t play for non-contenders, and contenders don’t need them.

If you do happen to have a payroll that could afford one of them and you’re a contender, then chances are they’ll be a poison in your locker room. You’d need to make sure you have enough room for these massive egos. Chances are, Bonds would ruin the youth of your team by being a complete ass. Clemens, if you’re lucky, will show up to all your home games. You know he refuses to go on the road, especially now with the Roids and the 15 year olds. Their egos will mold future stars, and turn them into media hating, autograph charging a-holes.

Speaking of which, lastly, 3/4 of these guys are MAJOR problems. Roger Clemens loves steroids, 15 year olds and Canseco. Barry Lamar not only hates the media and fans across the world, but there’s that whole steroid thing. David Wells can’t stay sober long enough to pitch 5 innings. Sammy Sosa will not only do steroids, but will cork his bat and say he didn’t know. Mike Pizza, besides being completely useless, won’t catch because he’s too old. Even though catching is the only thing he could ever do well. I can’t say anything bad about Kenny Lofton. I really like him, but he is old. Jose Mesa, who’s not only 41, but needs his own paragraph for his problems that no one knows about. Let’s do that now!

Jose Mesa hates Omar Vizquel. First of all, who hates Omar Vizquel? Jose Mesa that’s who. Why? Because of what Vizquel published in his book. (Keep in mind, Jose Mesa is a free agent looking for a team.) “The eyes of the world were focused on every move we made. Unfortunately, Jose’s own eyes were vacant. Completely empty. Nobody home. You could almost see right through him. Not long after I looked into his vacant eyes, he blew the save and the Marlins tied the game.” Now, who’s ready to drop $5mil on this guy? Not only that, but the year of that World Series, 1997, he was charged with rape for fingerbanging a chick without her permission. I’m not quite done. He also was charged with accounts of gross sexual imposition groping two women in a hotel room. Open the check book American League. It’s sad when the AL has pitching as bad as it does, and no one will sign this guy. Sad, but totally understandable.

If I’m these guys, I put up my glove and pack up my dignity. I start spending time with my family, and leave baseball alone. These guys have tarnished the game, and no one wants them back. How come we’re the only ones who can see this?

Just a quick programming note before we get into The 9. The 1st podcast was completed, however we’re having some technical difficulties shrinking the size. We’re going to record tomorrow, with this in mind. With that said, it’s possible that you’ll never heard the first Sports Bizzo podcast. Then again, it’s also possible that I’ll have it up before I leave work. I’m sure you’ll survive either way. Now… The 9…

9. Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy, Writes An Interesting Expose on the Suns – The Sports Guy

8. Mark Cuban Fires the Wrong Guy – ESPN

7. Julius Jones Loves Seattle – SeattlePI.com

6. Jay Cutler Has Diabetes? – ProFootballTalk.com

5. Barry Zito is Awesome – SFGate The Splash

4. Marvin Harrision is Gangsta – SI.com

3. Betting Lines for The Kentucky Derby – KentuckyDerby.com

2. USC Song Girl of the Week – SI.com

1. Barack Obama Hoops With UNC – Flickr.com

-Side note… here’s why he’s the official candidate of TheSportsBizzo – HERE

By Jon…

I’ve decided to document the first round of the NFL Draft. A bunch of sports writer’s on ESPN do it every year, so how hard can it be. I certainly don’t have the resources they have, but I do have a computer and a dry sense of humor, so here we go:

2:00- The Minority Report beginning was a littler retarded, but whatever, get to the picks.

2:02- Jake Long officially named 1st pick. It’s a formality, we’ve known this for a week. but you’ve got to love New York fans. They’re just brutal, no matter what the situation. They could be announcing the selection of the Jets team mom, and you better believe she would hear it.

2:10- Chris Long calls his draft phone the “Bat Phone”. He’s already surpassed his father (Howie Long) in terms of personality.

2:14- It’s great they shortened the pick time to 10 minutes, but it’s still too much time for the talking heads to fill. I want to know if there has ever been a draft where the first two picks had the same last name. You can’t tell me ESPN can’t find this out.

2:19- Matt Ryan just selected as the savior of the Atlanta Falcons. Good luck, kid. I don’t know what’s going to be more difficult: Saving the Falcons or living up to Mike Vick’s legacy. Those are big, prison issued shoes to fill.

2:25- Raiders are on the clock. It’s presumed Darren McFadden will be their selection. He’s a two time Doak Walker winner, two time Heisman runner up, AND he’s fathered two illegitimate children with two different woman

2:28- Raiders select McFadden. Combine him with JaMarcus Russell and all their defense additions. The Raiders may not be that bad next year.

2:29- Mike Tirico needs to stop mentioning McFadden’s mother’s a former crackhead every time they mention him. No one mentions Tirico was suspended from ESPN for making repeated unwanted sexual advances at a co-worker every time anyone talks about him.

2:35- The Chiefs select Glenn Dorsey. I actually don’t have anything funny to say about this pick. I thought Dorsey should’ve gone first. I think he’s a total badass.

Ted has a joke: “They like his ability to penetrate the offensive line, which could mean he’ll be the first Chief to penetrate more than his wife this millenium.”

2:43- With the 6th pick, the Jets select Vernon Gholston. I don’t even think it matters who they pick, the Jets fans are ready to riot. There’s a six year old holding a sign that says, ” The Jets draft blunders end today.” They teach them early. Wait a tick, Jets fans seem legitimately happy. Meh, there’s still 6 rounds left for them to screw up.

2:51- Patriots trade the 7th pick to Matt Walsh to keep him quiet about Spygate. Not really. They trade the pick to New Orleans.

2:53- Saints pick Sedrick Ellis of USC. Good move for the Saints, they need some defense.

2:55- The Jaguars trade up to the 8th spot.

2:57- ESPN very briefly made an error, listing Dallas in the 10th, 22nd, and 28th spots. Why have they not told us about this trade? Oh wait, They corrected it. The Patriots hold the 10th pick.

3:00- An awkward exchange between Kiper, Jr. and Berman about the Ravens-Jags trade. There’s something more to this. I bet Kiper forgot to put the toilet seat down.

3:02- Jags pick DE Derrick Harvey from Florida. Mel Kiper, Jr. says the Jags are reaching with that pick. I think Mel Kiper should shut up.

3:06- Bengals on the clock. They select Keith Rivers. Seems like a good kid, it’s a shame he’s going to Cincinnati.

3:09- The Jags gave up a boatload to get Harvey. Hope he’s worth it. They traded 4 picks to get him.

3:14- Jered Mayo selected by the Patriots with the 10th pick. Remember when Bill Belichick walked off the field before the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. That was awesome.

3:18- Buffalo Bills select Leodis McKelvin of Troy. The cornerback who launched a thousand ships.

3:23- Broncos select OT Ryan Clady of Boise State….booooooorrrrriinnnnggg…at least he doesn’t have to remember a new mascot.

3:26- Chris Berman’s threatening a run on Offensive Tackles. God, I hope not. I don’t need a nap, but I will totally take one.

3:28- Berman was wrong. The Panthers take RB Jonathan Stewart from Oregon. He’s a good runner. Great first name. I think the pick surprised the ESPN guys. They should call Mel Kiper, Jr. a “draft meteorologist”. There’s some science to what he does, but when it comes down to it, he’s just taking shots in the dark.

3:37- I can feel the nap coming on….The Bears pick OT Chris Williams, Vanderbilt.

3:38- Oh man….Screw the nap. The Lions are on the clock. Here comes the inevitable Matt Millen blunder. The Pistons are down 2-1. The Tigers started off slowly. Do you think the people of Detriot riot if he takes another wide receiver? Let’s wait and see…

3:43- Wait, the Lions traded their pick to the Chiefs, presumably to drop back and get Deshaun Jackson.

3:45- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

3:46- Chiefs take OG Brandon Albert, Virginia.

3:55- Arizona takes CB Dominique Wilkins Mister Rodgers Antonio Cromartie, Tennessee State. I like this pick. Anytime you can get three big names out of one pick you’re doing alright

3:58- Here it comes the Lions select WR Gosder Cherilus. I hate this pick. He’s way too big to be a WR in the NFL. He’s tall, but way too big….oh wait….no…oh. He’s an Offensive Tackle. I guess the picks alright then…

4:00-Ravens on the clock. ESPN’s showing QB Joe Flacco of Delaware on the phone. Congratulations, Baltimore, you just drafted the next Drew Bledsoe.

4:06- They just ran a list of other Division I-AA quarterbacks chosen in the draft. He’s in some elite company with Phil Simms, Steve McNair, Tarvaris Jackson, Neil Lomax, Jonathan Quinn, and Giovanni Carmazzi. Let’s hope he can live up to these guys.

4:09 Eagles on the clock.

4:10- Eagles trade the pick to Carolina.

4:11- Carolina selects OT Jeff Otah out of Pitt. If I have to watch one more highlight of OL blocking, I’m gonna give up. The Cowboys pick couldn’t come any sooner.

4:13- Tampa Bay on the clock. Commercial break

4:14- Remember, The future is ours, We are the new prototypes.

4:15- The new Coors Light bottle turns blue when you realize how big of a moron you are for not being able to know when a beer is cold.

4:16- Actually, a beer sounds good. Not a Coors Light, but a beer.

4:17- Tampa Bay selects CB Aqib Talib from Kansas. He was badass in concert at SXSW. Wait, no, that was Talib Kweli. I have no idea who this guy is. But, apparently, he’s a dope smoker. It’s a shame the Cowboys didn’t draft him. He could have had some great discussions about the universe with Josh Howard.

4:26-Redskins on the clock. My cousin Billy is huge Redskins fan. I have no idea how. He was born and raised in Lockhart, Texas. I hope they make a crappy pick so I can call and harass him.

4:27- Nevermind, traded the pick to ATL. The Falcons take OT Sam Baker from USC. I have no idea who he is, but he has an awesome beard. Good pick for Atlanta.

4:30- FINALLY, THE COWBOYS ARE ON THE CLOCK!!!!

4:32- Rachel Nichols doesn’t have a forehead. I think you call that a twohead.

4:37-The new Coors Light vented can. So you don’t realize how fast you’re drinking that crap.

4:39- The Arkansas connection was too much for the Jerry Jones to resist. The Cowboys select RB Felix Jones. Hopefully, he can be the lightning to Marion Barber’s thunder. He’s also an accomplished kick returner. Combine him with Pacman, and the Cowboys special teams looks to be in pretty good shape for next year.

4:44- The Steelers select RB Rashard Mendenhall from Illinois. They already have Willie Parker. Either Willie’s losing his job or the Steelers are shooting for the Thunder and Lightning approach, too.

4:47- Titans are on the clock. They absolutely have to take a WR with this pick. Vince Young isn’t the most accurate QB, but it sure as hell doesn’t help to have no one to throw to. Crumpler will help, but they have to get some one young and fast. Limas Sweed might not be a bad pick. He has some experience catching Vince Young passes.

4:48- To give you all an indication of how bad the Texans are: They play more Titans games in Austin than they do Texans games.

4:51- Titans select RB Chris Johnson from East Carolina. The fans grade this pick an F. The only thing Tennessee had going for them last year was there running game, so they picked another RB. Doesn’t make sense to me, but the guy runs a 4.24 time in the forty. Surely the Titans take a receiver somewhere in the draft.

4:58- Awesome…The Cowboys just traded to the 25th pick. I was starting to lose focus.

5:00- Cowboys select CB Mike Jenkins from South Florida. I don’t know much about the guy, but the Cowboys needed another CB.

5:04- Texans on the clock.

5:07- Texans select OT Duane Brown from Va. Tech. Another OT. I’m so bored right now. Just five more picks.

5:11- Chargers take CB Antoine Cason from Arizona. The Chargers don’t have another pick till the 5th round, so they better hope this dude’s worth it.

5:18- Seattle takes DE Lawrence Jackson from USC. Apparently, he wasn’t first round talent. But he went to USC, they could’ve done worse.

5:20- The 49ers take DT Kentwan Balmer. He’s a big dude. But the Niners needed some offense. I can hear Toph crying from here. I know how much that turncoat loves his 49ers.

5:22- Packers trade their pick to the Jets. Jets fans may burn down Radio City if this pick goes poorly.

5:23- Brett Favre just hired a hitman to gun down Aaron Rodgers, so the Packers have no choice but to ask him to comeback.

5:27- The Jets pick TE Dustin Keller from Purdue. A bunch of Purdue fans used to come into Humperdink’s. Most of them were a-holes. I’m going to assume this guy’s no different.

5:31- That’s a damn shame. I was hoping Roger Goodell was going to make us sit through all 10 minutes of the Patriots forfeited pick while the Jets fans booed relentlessly.

5:34- The Giants are on the clock. Finally, the first round is over.

5:35- The Giants select S Kenny Phillips from Miami. The Giants fans seem happy. I couldn’t care less.

This was way more grueling than I anticipated. I’m starving. And we’ve gotta record a podcast.

This running diary is over…Enjoy!